Monday, April 9, 2012

{Break down}

I am not too proud to say that today I had a major BREAK DOWN. It started at 5 am when I couldn’t fall back asleep. I laid in bed cuddling Bubba and the tears just kept streaming down my face. Maybe it is the lack of sleep, maybe it is the reality of our normal, or maybe it was just about time it happened. Wink! When the alarm went off I got up, woke up my sweet little girl, and got her ready for a fun day with Nana, Pa Pa, cousins, and Aunts and Uncles. Not long after she walked out the door I had my BREAK DOWN. It broke my heart that I am missing out on so much of her life and fun things. It broke my heart to think that Bubba can’t do these things any longer. I called my sweet Mom and just lost it. I cried to the point that it was hard to catch my breath. She listened to me so sweetly and just kept saying “I am so sorry … I am so sorry.”  I told her how sometimes I just want to SCREAM at the world passing me by and say “Don’t you know my boy is sick… don’t you know I am slowly losing him every day!!! … How can you be so happy!!?”  More often than not time in our home goes so slow and the world continues. People live their lives, as they should, and here I sit scared to live mine. I told her how it broke my heart that my sweetheart didn’t have the support that I wish he had. I told her about our date night one evening. We ended up in the parking lot of the pharmacy crying… CRYING… talking about what we will do when that day comes… talking about what we would want to do at his funeral when that day comes. I told her that it breaks my heart that I feel like if I am carrying for Bubba than I am failing Regan. I told her that I hated that I was not the one taking her to Disneyland. I broke down because we have no idea what one day to the next will be like. I broke down because I feel like my sweet little Bubba is slowly slipping away from me and I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!! I told her that I feel like I need to be strong for my family and friends BUT right at that exact moment I just needed to cry and be sad.  I told her that I found myself saying the unthinkable yesterday at church…. “Jason I want to make sure we get a family picture of all of us together…. What if this is our last Easter.” I HAVE NEVER in almost 12 years talked like this. I hate that this is something that I fear.  So, yes I LOST it today and you know what…. I needed it. I hated how I felt, I hated the thoughts, and words coming out of my mouth BUT I needed to say it. I am grateful to have such a wonderufl Mom that just listened.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't my only break down. Bubba woke up and was doing great, better than he has done in a long time. So, I decided that I would take him to Disney and surprise Regan. Yes, I took my unshowered, puffy eyed, crazy self and packed my little Bubba in the car and just like that we were off. I called my sweet mother in law and told her what we were doing and I KNOW she thought I was crazy. wink! Bubba and I got to Disney and surprised Regan and well... it didn't got like I had pictured in my head. Regan wasn't so super, crazy excited to see us. She was with her fun cousins and she didn't want to get out of line with them to ride with Bubba. I smiled and told her it was ok and to have fun. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel bad for wanting to spend time with her cousins.  Inside I was fighting back the tears. Nana could tell... ah, that sweet Nana,... her and Pa Pa jumped out of line to ride with Bubba and I. {Bubba has to go through the handicap parts.} I was regreting ever coming and thinking that this was a good idea and at that point I decided that I had officially lost my mind. Then something happened.....
Bubba smile that AWESOME smile while we were waiting to go on the ride! :) Bubba and I snuggled up on the ride and it was great to see his smile. After we got off the ride I realized that Bubba's hat was gone and then Bubba's hand was hurt on the railing. Yup... you guessed it! This Crazy Momma started to cry yet again... I was thinking this was and AWFUL idea at this point. I sweet stranger saw my tears and came over with some hand cream for Bubba.... so sweet. I told them that I think it was time for Bubba and I to leave. Pa Pa has a VERY bad knee and told me that he was done too. So, we said good bye to those super fun cousins......

and Regan, Nana, Pa Pa, cousin Andrea, Bubba, and I started to make our way out of the park.
 On our way out we stopped to ride a dolphin and whale.........
get some snuggles from Nana..........
Sucker Pa Pa to play some fun games.........
and play with some green army men.

Believe it or not I am grateful for my CRAZY break down becuase it pushed me to go and play with both of my sweet babies.
I am graeful that becuaes of my crazy break down I got to see this smile more today than I have in a long time. I am grateful that even though he was TIRED that big ol' smile was out on the way back to our car. ;-) It is going to be a hard week on Bubba and I am grateful that my one   five break downs turned into smiles. :)

15 comments:

Rachel said...

Gosh. I don't have any words that would seem anything more than trite right now...

I know that when my sister was terrified after an "incompatible with life" diagnosis for her Gracie, the only thing that turned her fear into hope was making the decision to trust God with every moment and to LIVE each moment. We have no idea when WE (the MOMS!) will be called to our Heavenly home. But THANK YOU FATHER for the blessings you give us on this Earth - our beloved family.

We walked out of that hospital with a box instead of a newborn. We planned a funeral instead of a Baby Dedication. We mourned and grieved and hurt.

But the enemy could NOT steal the joy that God gave us in the middle of the moments that Gracie was here.

Don't be afraid to cry - but refuse to allow that yucky enemy to rob you of Bubba right now.

What a delight to see that smile. You know, my silly glasses-wearing boy with a deaf momma still thinks Bubba is his computer friend. They smile at eachother through the computer screen and have been since Itty Bit was 3.

Continuing to pray for you - and thankful for those smiles.

Kristin said...

Well now you made me have a break down!! I can't even imagine what you are going thru. The thought of losing one of my children makes me bawl like a baby, even as I write this. You are such a strong, amazing, beautiful woman! (you on a bad day, looks better than me on my best day!) Your family is always in my thoughts and prayers! Love ya!

Tawny said...

Julie, you are truly my hero. Breakdowns are a sign that you are giving everything. You are amazing. How blessed I am to have you as an example of love. You are facing the unthinkable with such grace. I love you, I love all of you. I am crying with you today.

Anonymous said...

You are such a strong woman and mother. Remember that this Earth is just a short stop on the journey to heaven for ALL of us as Christians. Some may have a shorter stay than others, but our God is always always always in control.

Susan said...

Julie, there aren't just emotional reasons for breakdowns, there are also physical reasons. Medical science has taught us that stress hormone builds up in the body and the only way to remove it—and therefore keep it from making us physically ill—is to cry it out in tears. Tears are the only way of ridding the body of the stress hormone. It's as if God gave us a safety valve for our hearts. We usually know when we finally need to let it out, and it's why we usually feel better after a good cry. You are dealing with so many levels of emotion right now that it is impossible to keep the stress hormone from building up. I encourage you to cry whenever you can manage to find a safe moment to do that. I realize that some situations don't give you the opportunity you need to let go. The tough conversations you and Jason have had to have at this time are necessary and appropriate, and it's okay to cry your way through them. Who wouldn't? It always seems, when you're going through such devastating emotional periods, that everyone else is living the dream life and not having to deal with such heart-rending issues, but there are so many out there, in any crowd, who are masking their own trials and tragedies with plastered-on smiles and fake calm to cover their unrelenting grieving. That Bubba was able to have an outing at Disney and flash that genuine, normal Bubba smile was an incredible Easter gift for you, something to put some balance back for a bit. It lifted all of us up to see it too! We, too, have shed tears for what he is going through and the darkness you are having to deal with now. I urge you and Jason to stay in contact with your own doctors to make sure you are being cared for too. My prayers are just as much for you and Jason and Regan, and all the grandparents, who must see not only their beloved grandchild, but also their beloved children going through this hard time. And as always, special prayers for Bubba, who through your generous words and pictures, has taught us so much about the courage revealed in his kind of journey.

Ragina McDonald said...

You are one amazing woman!

Kenny said...

I hope this doesn't sound callous, but I am so glad you had those breakdowns! Don't get me wrong, I HATE that this is your reality, but I am SO GLAD that you are letting yourself feel all of the big scary feelings. You can cry on my shoulder anytime. Love you!

Olivia said...

You are so very strong! You inspire me!

Foursons said...

I've never told you this, but every time I am out on the road pushing to run just a little bit further, a little bit faster, a little bit longer I think of this quote:

"I run because I can.
When I get tired,
I remember those who can't run,
what they would give to have this
simple gift I take for granted,
and I run harder for them.

I know they would do the same for me."

I think of your sweet boy every single time I want to quit. I think of his spirit, his smile, and his strength.

Thank you for sharing your sweet son with all of us. He is an inspiration in so many ways.

EvaMarie said...

In the years since we have moved I have never forgotten your family and so often wish our life was such that I could break away and bring a diet coke and lend a hand. I am so grateful that you were able to see his beautiful smile and share it with us. Colin is amazing and we love your family and you are always in our hearts.

Amy said...

I have always remembered a time a LONG time ago when I heard you bear your testimony and Bubba was just a little guy in his little tiny wheel-chair. You shared a conversation you and Jason had, had about Collin waiting for you guys on the other side and what it will be like for him to RUN to you. Joy that can not be matched.

Sweet Reagan has learned more than girls twice her age about being self-less, loving and on and on. Qualities that will make her a happier girl ultimately.

Collin is someone very important on the other side. I'm sure he will be very busy and loved while he waits for you.

You really are so strong and so gorgeous, even on your hardest of days. You inspire me.

Rochelleht said...

This made me bawl my eyes out. I love you guys so much and I am SICK that he is struggling and you have to face these horrible thoughts. Just makes me sick. Thanks for being human and for sharing it with the rest of us. I LOVE his smile. So glad you made it, even for only a moment or two. I think it was worth it.

Praying for you.

The Huss Family said...

Your family is in our prayers!

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXPpy3a1AZo

lex said...

Your strenght inspires me every time i read your blog. You set an example of love, optimism, faith, perseverence for me and i am left humbled and speechless each time i read your blog. Bubba and Regan are both treasures. My heart breaks for you and yet I am so impired by the scriptures and sermons that you reference. You are helping me on my path to renewed faith. Cherish those beautiful Bubba smiles. They're a joy to behold. And by the way, you're entitled to a breakdown.... embrace the relief. God bless you all.