Thursday, August 16, 2012

We will not be angry

I have sat down to write this post several times and couldn’t find the words.

My heart is breaking and my arms are empty.

Our sweet Bubba returned home to Heaven in the arms of loving angels one week ago.

  Bubba was doing so well and the only thing that we can come up with is a new medication that he started that day. I found my sweet boy that night in his bed and that image will forever be imprinted in my mind. At the hospital Jason and I had such a huge range of emotions, sad, scared, heartbroken, and angry. I remember shortly before passing out and having to be put on a gurney my sweet Hubby saying… “Dad get us a lawyer!!!!” We were both angry with Dr. Wonderful for prescribing this new medication and were ready to come after him. I remember saying to the nurses “Dr. …… did this to my baby!!!” Our emotions were raw and our anger was fresh.

Shortly after saying good bye to our sweet boy we found out that we would be able to donate some of Bubba’s organs to help those still fighting the fight. We had to make a choice. If we were going to be angry and go after Dr. ….. there would have to be an autopsy done of Bubba’s body to prove what if any wrong doing had happened BUT if we choose to do the autopsy the organs could not be donated to help these other children. In that moment we had to decide if we’re going to be angry or if we were going to let Bubba’s big heart continue to touch the lives of others.

We did what we knew Bubba would want us to do; we made the decision to not be angry. Being angry wouldn’t change anything, it wouldn’t bring our boy back to us, but by finding peace Bubba was able to give other children back to their parents. Bubba’s legacy continues to live on in the lives of six people that Bubba helped.

The reason that I am sharing this with you is because I have learned that it can be very easy to be angry. The thing about anger is that when it gets a hold of you it can quickly turn you into someone that you are not. Bubba was the happiest child I have ever seen despite his many challenges and constant pain.

We are all hurting but Bubba would not want any of us to be angry. He would want us to find comfort and joy in his sweet smile and in his legacy of enduring with happy heart. It is hard. Oh, it is so hard but I am going to do everything that I can to make my sweet Bubba proud of me. I want him to see his Mama enduring this pain with a happy heart. I want him to see me smiling even as the tears come.

Right now it is hard to do these things but with each new day I see a new little tender mercy that my sweet Bubba has sent our way. I love him so much and miss him like crazy. My arms ache to hold him and my ears miss his sweet laughter but I take comfort in knowing that our family will be reunited in Heaven. I know that families can be together forever through our Savior Jesus Christ’s eternal gift.

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only-begotten son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life."


Huss Family said...

So beautifully said Julie. Bubba would be so proud of his strong Momma.

Amy-Sue and Gian Del Bello said...

You are simply the most amazing person I have met. You're Bubba was sent to just the most perfect mom ever! We will continue to pray for you and your family. We hope you will be comforted by the love of our loving Heavenly Father.
With all our heart,
The Del Bello Family

Kristin said...

Ive said it before and I'll say it again.... You are AMAZING! Bubba was so lucky to come to such an amazing family. You understand our Heavenly Fathers plan for us so well. You are so strong! I can not even begin to imagine what you and your sweet family are going thru, but I will continue to pray for you all! Lots of love!!!

Kristi said...

Tears...again. Julie, I want to say how much I love you and admire you. I know how easy it is to be angry, and that was quite the brave decision you made. The fact that he saved six children made me cry. What a wonderful legacy. He is proud of you, and is so grateful you ARE his mommy.

lex said...

Your strength and faith, in God and Bubba, continue to impress itself on me. You are a living exampleof God's love. Bubba was taken away so unexpectedly but you have taken his love to guide you to help heal others. You are a remarkable family with boundless love. Bubba is so proud of you. I believe you once wrote a blog about how once in heaven he would be whole. I have no doubts he is running with the angels with his joyous smile on his face. I hope Regan is managing as best she can. She's lost her big brother and i can't imagine her pain through this. May God's peace and Bubba's love be with you.

amanda devlin said...

my heart goes out to your family. I am so grateful for our Heavenly Fathers plan. Bubba was sent to you for a very special reason...and along the way he touched the lives of hundreds! I know Collin is watching you from above smiling and playing.

Katie said...

You've always said, " I can do hard things" and you SO can. You have a strength and such a clear understanding of this life which is so admirable. I cannot begin to imagine or pretend to know what you are going through but I know that the atonement will fill your empty spaces in time and that sweet Bubba is so proud of his ever giving parents. Hugs and kisses to you, Jason, and Regan. Love you guys so much!

Foursons said...

My heart breaks for you. I wish there were magic words that I could type into this little box and make everything better. But there are no words that will ever make any of this right. I am so, so sorry for the loss of sweet Bubba and the pain y'all are enduring. I am so worried about Regan and how she is managing. My prayers for her are filled with me begging God to hold tightly as she mourns her big brother.

I too am so proud of you for donating his organs. In the end, I think knowing that 6 children are still with their parents will bring more peace and comfort than a lawsuit proving wrongdoing.

Oh Julie, I am praying for all of you.

Kimball said...

Beautifully put thank you for this example to me.

Sue said...

Just as our Collin was such a good example to us, you too are carrying on his legacy by being a good example to all of us. I am sure he is very proud of his momma, daddy and sister. Thanks for being you, a great mom, wife, and a daughter of our Heavenly Father.

Ashleigh Brock said...

Julie -
That was beautiful. Your courage, strength, and beauty inspire me to try to be an amazing, kind, and stronger person. Your family is still in my prayers. Through all of your uplifting photos and stories, I feel like I knew Bubba and the rest of your family. I'm grateful to have "known" him and that he had such an amazing family. Huge hugs from OK.

Tawny said...

This is such a huge example of Collin's legacy. Love, charity, faith in HIS plan and a true awareness of the beauty of life. Thank you so much for sharing his (and your) journey with us. I am so thankful to have you as a friend and as family.

Kirsti.osborne said...

You amaze me! You and your family just may be the most Christ-like family I have ever met!

Kenny said...

You CAN do hard things! Even the impossible. I pray for you constantly, and every time I do, I know with absolute certainty that I don't even NEED to be praying for you because the Lord's arms are already around you. Oh, how He loves you so!

And oh, how grateful are those other families that Bubba was able to help. What an amazing boy!!

I love you so much and am ready to drop everything and anything at a moment's notice anytime you want or need me.

Emily said...

What a wonderful example, thank you for sharing :)

Christine said...

Bubba is your hero but you are mine. You made a very difficult, but amazing choice!

Allison said...

What a beautiful story and example to the rest of us! I don't know you but know many of your friends (the church is so small isn't it?) I will try and remember him and your example when something goes wrong, really wrong, and I just want to blame someone and be angry. It's not worth it...thanks for sharing!

Crooked Moon Mama said...

Thank you for sharing. You and your family are an inspiration. I wish you continued healing and love.

Cheryl said...

Have you heard of the new book "Let it Go" by Chris Williams? He lost his pregnant wife and 2 out of his 4 children in an accident involvingi a drunk teenager. It is an amazing book with the message of forgiveness.

Susan said...

That you were able to sort things out quickly, to find the wisdom that let Bubba give the gifts of his organs to others, speaks volumes about the level of your generosity, humanity and complete love for your son. To know that he lives on in others brings comfort to all who adored your child and his indomitable spirit. To realize that anger would not have accomplished what you wanted most—to have him back—means that your own healing will not be slowed by the agony of retribution. While I was deep in thought, mourning Bubba's passing last week, all of a sudden Uncle Bill's face popped into my mind. It made me feel sure that the first arms to hug Bubba were Uncle Bill's, and perhaps Uncle Bill had to go first so he could already be there to welcome his sweet Bubba. I don't know if that will comfort Regan (I know she loved Uncle Bill) but it certainly comforted me to imagine it. Our hearts ache for your empty arms and the hard pain of establishing a new routine without Bubba. What I will promise you is that you will survive this terrible pain. It takes time and a lot of hard emotional work and a hope for the future, and sometimes it will seem as if the fog will never lift, but trust that it eventually will. We will all be praying you through it, and promise to try our best to raise you up when you are down. You have already shown your ability to make the right first move in Bubba's memory. There is no doubt that he is proud of you and will express that when you are reunited again. You truly ARE an inspiration.

Christie said...

Oh how my heart is aching for you & your family. You are such an example to me of great courage to move past the anger. You are right. It is so easy to be angry. What a blessing it is for your family to not be weighed down by that hurt though. I'm so thankful to hear of your testimony of the gospel, our Heavenly Father & Savior Jesus Christ & of eternal families. Thank you for sharing such a difficult thing.

Jennifer Stiles said...

Just came across your blog on facebook :) So sorry for your loss :( You told your feelings so well and I'm so glad you could express it so beautifully! Bubba will be missed by soo many <3

Puni Curbelo said...

I feel your pain and have been there were you were when my oldest son Ashton was shaken by my sis-in-law.

He was born a perfectly normal, happy and wonderful child and then one week before his first bday he had a fever. I didn't want to leave him but I had no choice due to work constraints. I left him with people I trusted. My brother's wife. She was a wonderful mother.

But, on this day when she went to wake him up from his nap, his body went limp and she couldn't revive him. She panicked and began shaking him to wake him up. In doing this, she gave him head trauma. He would have been fine had the Dr's at Harbor General put a shunt in his head to relieve the blood pressure that was building up in his head. BUT, they didn't. They were too concerned about prosecuting the people that they believed had physically abused him. There were no physical marks of foul play and none internally on the cat scans that they ran.

As they wasted time with all of these tests to prove that there was foul play, his condition deteriorated. An intern that was doing her hours to become a doctor finally made a decision to fly him out to Children's Hosp in L.A. so that he could get the proper care that he needed, otherwise he would surely die. When the head Dr. of the ward heard his and felt that she went behind his back, his ego shut down that decision and he made the decision that we would just have to wait until Monday when all the staff that they needed to operate on my son would be back in town. He put a hold on my son, called DCFS, and said that I could not make any decisions on my son because he could not trust my decision making, and that I was an unfit mother because of my sons current condition. I was so angry at the notion that he would think such a thing of me that I wanted to make s him pay. I was unable to do anything but wait.

On Sunday, two days later, my precious son had a stroke because of the pressure on his brain. He almost died. But, instead he became blind, paralyzed on his left side, and was deemed mentally brain dead. This made me want to make the entire staff, but especially this doctor pay for what they'd done to my son. I couldn't see straight. My anger took me to new heights of rage. I couldn't believe that God would allow this to happen. At the time, I had been inactive in church for several years and so my faith was pretty much non existent.

Puni Curbelo said...

After the stroke happened they told me that he would NOT live past 24 hours and that I should just pull the plug because he was just be a vegetable if he did survive, and that it was not fair to have my child suffer like that.

I thank my parents for giving me the foundation that I had in the gospel to know that it was not up to them or I to make that decision. I called one my best friends who's father was a Bishop and begged her to please have her dad come give my son a blessing. Not only did he come, but the entire bishopric and several other elders from the church showed up too. I cannot explain the peace that it gave me to know that what ever happened was okay, that it was the will of God.

My son turned a year old 4 days later and something told me that it was time to pull him from the ventilators. The first thing he did was cough and cry out, "Mommy, hungry!" OMGosh, I was so happy. I said, "That's my boy!" But, I did not know the hardships that I would have to face. He was in ICU for 9 weeks and in rehab for 6 more. They could not understand how I could smile, laugh, and sing 'popcorn popping' so many times a day. I didn't care. They thought that I'd lost my marbles. When we left the rehab there was a shiny, new, electric wheelchair waiting for him. I refused it and told him that my son would walk and run again, that he'd learn to laugh and sing again, and that he'd live the happiest life ever regardless of what they said. They had serious doubts.

One year later I walked him into that hospital and told them, "I told you that with God, all things are possible". I taught him to walk, run, and sing the ABC song, I am a child of God, Popcorn Popping, Happy Birthday, and many other songs. The nurses and doctors were speechless and as their eyes filled with tears, my son started saying, "Mommy, hungry!" which made them crack up.

I can't say that my anger subsided quickly, but everyday I saw my sons smile and heard his laughter it reminded me of Gods' tender mercies. I was so blessed to be able to keep him.

To be honest, I didn't let my anger completely go until years later when the missionaries came knocking at my door and I finally let them back into my life. An Missionary Elder said to me, as I cried because my son couldn't be baptized at age 8, that he didn't need to be because the only reason he was sent down to earth was to receive a body because he'd fought on the front lines in the war in heaven and had already proven himself worthy to our Father. He already had his GOLD ticket to celestial glory. Wow! I never knew that. All the resentment that I held for "that Doctor" finally went away and I was finally able to forgive him. That burden was finally lifted me. Praise the Lord!

I remember the first time I met Bubba, it made me smile because I thought of my son and wondered if they'd fought side by side. I know that Bubba also has his Gold Ticket and that we just have to stay on the straight and narrow so that we can be with our sons in heaven to see them in their perfect bodies and minds. Can you imagine how awesome it will be to see them again?

My son Ashton is going to be 23 in December. He hasn't lived with me since he was 5 as the state decided to remove him from me. He still has the mind of a 2 year old toddler, still sweet and unscathed by this evil world we live in. I know that my son loves me and knows who I am. I love that kid so much and found great joy in seeing Bubba every Sunday because it reminded me of my sweet son Ashy. I am going to miss that sweet soul Bubba tons, but I cannot wait to see him again on the other side.

Please believe me when I say, I know how you feel. Sending you tons of love and hugs honey. Stay strong and be grateful for all the wonderful memories you were able to make with him while he was here on earth. I never got that. (sigh!) but I hope and pray that one sweet day, we'll be together again!

Stephanie said...


That was a very wise decision. You will find that these emotions you are feeling will keep cycling through. You are wise to recognize you can choose which to allow to settle in and make a home in your heart and which to recognize, deal with, and let go.

Keep choosing what Bubba would have you choose and you will just keep moving closer to him.

Sending you love,

ps you can always email me at stephaniewaite at gmail dot com if you want to you know.

jenf7979 said...

Eloquently said. Collin's services were beautiful. Such a celebration of his life. You are such an amazing woman.

Rochelleht said...

This was beautiful. I am so so sorry to hear that this happened so unexpectedly and so painfully. I am so proud of you for doing what is right. Love you TONS!!!!!

The Gray Family said...

how fitting that he was able to continue giving to others after his death, when he did so much of the same in this life as well! Julie, I have said before and I will say again that you are a much stronger woman than me (and most everyone I know). My heart is breaking for you....hang in there! When you are at the bottom the only place to go is up :>)

The Wrights said...

I never know the right words to say, so I tend not to say anything, but I just really want you to know how beautiful you are. How beautiful your family is. And how much strength and inspiration I have gained from knowing even a tiny little part of you and your sweet Bubba. By sharing your story you have blessed so many more people then you will ever know. My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is strengthened by your example.

Mayra Stevenson said...

I really wanted to send you a message the night that i found out your son had passed. I just wanted to share my condolances to you and your beautiful family during this tough time in your lives. Its so good to know that families are forever and ever and ever! Your boy had such a wonderful glow about him, he had the most adorable smile. I was sharing your story with some of my co-workers, sorry, even strangers like us were touched by your bubba! Anywho, as i shared that you had done such a beautiful thing by donating his organs to children in need, they couldn't grasp how you can let anger go so easily! YOU ARE SO STRONG and SO BEAUTIFUL! I hope that you know that you have prayers going your way for a long time from me and some friends! Best of wishes during this tough time, I'm no mother yet, but i can only imagine the sadness you may feel! continue to turn to HF for inspiration, don't worry, bubba may be gone for now, but he's sharing that gorgeous smile up in the heavens!

With much love and sympathy,

Mayra Stevenson


Rachel said...

I just... I just couldn't figure out what to say. I have read and reread the posts all week and it still doesn't seem real.

I am so thankful our Heavenly Father does not leave us alone in our grief.

So thankful that we have a HOPE - of an eternity spent with Him if we've received His payment for all our wrongs.

Thankful for how vast His love is for us. That this does NOTHING to change His heart toward us - because He loves us just as much as the day Bubba was born... HE HAS NOT CHANGED.

And I believe He weeps with us and rejoices with us. (Holy cow, how can He not delight in having Bubba's smile in close view?)

And I'm sorry I just wrote "Holy Cow" on this comment.

Know that your Bubba was USED BY GOD. His smile made my day, many times. Itty Bit always called Bubba his friend when he saw him on my screen.

Thank you. For sharing him with us.
For sharing him with six other families.

God knows your ache, but says, "just wait... this is gonna be amazing".

Charlotta-love said...

I have thought about you and your family all week. My boyfriend has never met you, but knows all about your family through your blog, facebook, and instagram. I was telling him about Bubba and crying. Brice remarked at all the people that have been blessed to know Collin. Julie, I don't think any of us understand just how much of an impact Collin had for good during his life. He couldn't communicate in ways we would understand, so God gave him to you. You were his microphone. You were his mouthpiece. And this is just another example of how wise you and Jason are. We are all blessed to know your family. I'm still sending prayers your way every day.

Melinda said...

I am so sorry about Bubba and all that you and your family has had to go through. But I sure do admire you and your family! Revenge is never the way, and I am glad your family choose to turn a tragic (well beyond tragic) event, into something more peaceful, as helping other families. Many blessings will pour out to you, Jason, and Regan.

Anonymous said...

julie, you and jason are such strong individuals. you have a heart of gold. your little boy im sure is looking down with pure amazement at the strength the two of you have. we will continue keeping you, jason and reagan in our prayers.

Ana from Sweet Serendipity said...

Thank you for sharing this! It was just what I needed for my soul during this week. Praying for you and your family to heal with peace in your hearts.

reset said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meyca said...

OMG Juilie I am so sorry for your loss. This is LaMorris mom. I just received the flier today. I am in tears... I wondered why I hadn't seen you. I'm sorry... Blessings to you and your family. LaMorris will be sad when I tell him this evening.

Elizabeth said...

Julie, I am so so very sorry for your loss. I am Tammy's cousin so I know of Bubba's infectious smile through her stories and love. I'm in tears for what your family has to go through but am AMAZED at this post. My prayers and thoughts are with you all right now.