I have sat down to write this post several times and couldn’t find the words.
My heart is breaking and my arms are empty.
Our sweet Bubba returned home to Heaven in the arms of loving angels one week ago.
Bubba was doing so well and the only thing that we can come up with is a new medication that he started that day. I found my sweet boy that night in his bed and that image will forever be imprinted in my mind. At the hospital Jason and I had such a huge range of emotions, sad, scared, heartbroken, and angry. I remember shortly before passing out and having to be put on a gurney my sweet Hubby saying… “Dad get us a lawyer!!!!” We were both angry with Dr. Wonderful for prescribing this new medication and were ready to come after him. I remember saying to the nurses “Dr. …… did this to my baby!!!” Our emotions were raw and our anger was fresh.
Shortly after saying good bye to our sweet boy we found out that we would be able to donate some of Bubba’s organs to help those still fighting the fight. We had to make a choice. If we were going to be angry and go after Dr. ….. there would have to be an autopsy done of Bubba’s body to prove what if any wrong doing had happened BUT if we choose to do the autopsy the organs could not be donated to help these other children.
In that moment we had to decide if we’re going to be angry or if we were going to let Bubba’s big heart continue to touch the lives of others.
We did what we knew Bubba would want us to do; we made the decision to not be angry. Being angry wouldn’t change anything, it wouldn’t bring our boy back to us, but by finding peace Bubba was able to give other children back to their parents.
Bubba’s legacy continues to live on in the lives of six people that Bubba helped.
The reason that I am sharing this with you is because I have learned that it can be very easy to be angry. The thing about anger is that when it gets a hold of you it can quickly turn you into someone that you are not. Bubba was the happiest child I have ever seen despite his many challenges and constant pain.
We are all hurting but Bubba would not want any of us to be angry. He would want us to find comfort and joy in his sweet smile and in his legacy of enduring with happy heart.
It is hard.
Oh, it is so hard but I am going to do everything that I can to make my sweet Bubba proud of me. I want him to see his Mama enduring this pain with a happy heart. I want him to see me smiling even as the tears come.
Right now it is hard to do these things but with each new day I see a new little tender mercy that my sweet Bubba has sent our way.
I love him so much and miss him like crazy. My arms ache to hold him and my ears miss his sweet laughter but I take comfort in knowing that our family will be reunited in Heaven. I know that families can be together forever through our Savior Jesus Christ’s eternal gift.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his only-begotten son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life."