Learning to be

 

One of the things that I have found myself saying over and over for the past eighteen days is

 “I don’t know how to be without him,” 

For the past twelve years my world has revolved around my sweet boy. Every waking second of my life was in some way devoted to his care…. Everywhere that we went, everything that we did depended on Bubba and how he was feeling or if it were a place that he could go.  Each new day our activities were dependent on how Bubba felt and how many appointments he had.  My arms were constantly filled in some way, whether it was caring Bubba, the many bags that he was constantly attached to, or the other bags holding the diapers, clothing and other things that he required. My arms have never felt so empty; I don’t know what to do with them. Just walking has proven to be a difficult task. I have always had a wheel chair to push and all of a sudden I find myself walking with nothing to hold onto, nothing to do with my empty hands. My house is suddenly quite without the sound of banging doors or Bubba’s movies playing at full blast. I am not changing out bags or giving medications around the clock. There are no diapers that need to be changed or doctors that need to be called back.

It is an entirely new world that I have been thrown into and I have to learn how to be again. It is hard, oh, it is so hard BUT I feel my sweet boy traveling this difficult road alongside me. 

In those moments that I want to pull the covers over my head and sleep the day away he reminds me of my sweet and brave little girl. She has happily taken the back seat to Bubba’s care for eight years.

 

Now, it is her time.

 It is time for me to learn to be the mother that she needs me to be right now.  That is why we took the trip to get away.

{To anyone who had questions regarding this I want to clarify that our wonderful family made this trip possible with hotel points and paying for our outings. None of the money of that was sent for Bubba’s service was spent on this trip.}

Regan saw things that no little sister should ever have to see. She walked into our living room so see a crowd of people gathered around her Bubba working desperately on him. She bravely stood with us and kissed her Bubba on the head as he lay in a small wooden box. My sweet little eight year old girl is braver and stronger than anyone I have ever met. With all this strength that she has shown we also knew that there was sadness, worries, fears, and things that she needed to talk about. So, Hubs and I made the decision that getting her away from our home, where she had witnessed too much that night, would be the best way to start the healing process. She is doing well and adjusting to having all of our attention solely focused on her at all times. {I am sure at times it is driving her crazy.} We had good and bad moments in San Francisco. Shoot, we have good and bad moments every single day but the trip was just what we needed and it was a good starting off point for all of us.

I wasn’t sure what route I wanted to take with this blog. This blog has always been such a positive and happy place. Ok, at least in mind I feel that it is. ;-) Bubba’s has always had so many life stories to share and teach us all along the way. So, I have decided that this blog will stay just the same. It will continue to be positive. Yes, I will have my break downs here and there that I will share but for the most part I want this blog to continue to be a positive place filled with life lessons from Bubba and our new little family. I want to share with you this new journey that I suddenly find myself on of learning to “be” again.

Every day is hard but with each new day a new light and hope comes with it. I am still constantly learning from my sweet little Hero every day.

 

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look look at change."

I will end today with the poem that he had in the program at his service entitled God's Garden.

God looked around his garden
and found an empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth,
And saw your tired face.  He put His arms around you,
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.  He knew you were suffering,
He knew that you were in pain.
He knew that you would never,
Get well on earth again.  He saw the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids,
And whispered, "Peace be thine."  It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.