{The hardest part}

I have been asked many times “What is the hardest part of being Bubba’s Mommy?” Tonight I have the answer. On one of our trips back east to the NIH we found out that our sweet Bubba has a very high tolerance for pain. They did a nerve conduction study on him. The nurse performing the test would occasionally say things like “Mom, this should be bothering him.” Then as she increased the intensity she said “ THIS should really bother him.” He didn’t flinch, nope it didn’t bother him one bit. I wasn’t surprised by the results from the test. One summer Bubba came home from school with a small hair line fracture on his foot. He did not cry or complain. The only reason I even knew there was a problem with it was because when I went to take his shoe off, his foot was so swollen I had to cut the shoe off. I called the school and the teacher felt so bad and had no idea how it happened or that he was even hurt. He is one tough boy. I think this is a special gift from God that he has been blessed with. I watch what his tiny body has to endure on a daily basis and it would bring any grown man to tears. I am constantly amazed by his cheerful attitude and smile when I know that he is in pain.  

So, this brings me to the hardest part…….

Nights like tonight when I have to hold my boy as he screams in pain, wipe off his sweet little face because the pain causes him to vomit, give him an injection of valium, watch tears fall down his face while he is asleep. Eleven years I have had to cuddle, fight, and do anything I can to help him on these pain filled nights. The hardest part is that I would do anything to make it go away, to stop the pain, but I can’t.

I am ok with the fact that I will not hear “I love you” come out of his sweet mouth here on earth. I don’t mind changing diapers or having to feed him through a tube in his stomach. I am fine with lifting his little body in and out of his bed. Lifting his chair in and out of my van has become just as much a part of my life as breathing. I don’t think that these things are hard….. these things are normal, our normal. Nope, I will happily do these things for my Bubba with a smile on my face because these things aren’t hard. The pain…..that is what is hard. I don’t think I will ever get used to it. I doubt that I will ever be able to hold back the tears on a night like tonight.   

It is hard BUT tonight I take great comfort from THIS {Come what may, and love it.} talk given by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. "If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."  I do wish that I could change these hard nights filled with pain but since I can not change the pain, I can change what a take away from it. Tonight as I look at my sweet Bubba asleep in his bed I am HAPPY that he is finally getting some much needed relief.  I am also HAPPY that it is the HARD moments like this that make me so much more grateful for HAPPY moments like this morning.   http://youtu.be/Rqg4eovjpyc