Thursday, September 1, 2011

{The hardest part}

I have been asked many times “What is the hardest part of being Bubba’s Mommy?” Tonight I have the answer. On one of our trips back east to the NIH we found out that our sweet Bubba has a very high tolerance for pain. They did a nerve conduction study on him. The nurse performing the test would occasionally say things like “Mom, this should be bothering him.” Then as she increased the intensity she said “ THIS should really bother him.” He didn’t flinch, nope it didn’t bother him one bit. I wasn’t surprised by the results from the test. One summer Bubba came home from school with a small hair line fracture on his foot. He did not cry or complain. The only reason I even knew there was a problem with it was because when I went to take his shoe off, his foot was so swollen I had to cut the shoe off. I called the school and the teacher felt so bad and had no idea how it happened or that he was even hurt. He is one tough boy. I think this is a special gift from God that he has been blessed with. I watch what his tiny body has to endure on a daily basis and it would bring any grown man to tears. I am constantly amazed by his cheerful attitude and smile when I know that he is in pain.  

So, this brings me to the hardest part…….

Nights like tonight when I have to hold my boy as he screams in pain, wipe off his sweet little face because the pain causes him to vomit, give him an injection of valium, watch tears fall down his face while he is asleep. Eleven years I have had to cuddle, fight, and do anything I can to help him on these pain filled nights. The hardest part is that I would do anything to make it go away, to stop the pain, but I can’t.

I am ok with the fact that I will not hear “I love you” come out of his sweet mouth here on earth. I don’t mind changing diapers or having to feed him through a tube in his stomach. I am fine with lifting his little body in and out of his bed. Lifting his chair in and out of my van has become just as much a part of my life as breathing. I don’t think that these things are hard….. these things are normal, our normal. Nope, I will happily do these things for my Bubba with a smile on my face because these things aren’t hard. The pain…..that is what is hard. I don’t think I will ever get used to it. I doubt that I will ever be able to hold back the tears on a night like tonight.   

It is hard BUT tonight I take great comfort from THIS {Come what may, and love it.} talk given by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. "If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."  I do wish that I could change these hard nights filled with pain but since I can not change the pain, I can change what a take away from it. Tonight as I look at my sweet Bubba asleep in his bed I am HAPPY that he is finally getting some much needed relief.  I am also HAPPY that it is the HARD moments like this that make me so much more grateful for HAPPY moments like this morning.


Rochelleht said...

OH! Bless his heart AND yours!! That really just breaks mine to read. That is the thing. I don't mind the diapers at all. But if we had to deal with the pain like you do, it would just kill me. SO glad to know there is a God who loves us and knows us. LOVE that talk by Elder Wirthlin. I miss him!

Love you!

Rebecca said...

Oh Julie, this brought me to tears. I am so grateful that your Bubba has you with him during these difficult times. I sure he draws a great deal of strength from his mama. You are an inspiration to us all. I am so amazed you are able to put your hardship into a perspective that is positive through the good and bad days. I am greatful and honored to call you a friend. May the Lord bless you always beautiful woman!

Susan said...

I'm so very sad that Bubba had such a bad night that the pain spilled over onto your heart and soul. It really isn't fair that your family should see him hurting like that. I know that the gift you receive in return for enduring that emotional arrow to your heart will be lots of those big ol' sweet, toothy grins that knocks everyone's socks off, but I wish his world could be filled only with those grins and never the kind of pain that moves above his threshold. You're in my prayers.

Christine said...

I remember when my Eli had his bone graft surgery. The took a piece of bone out of his hip to fill in the clefted area of his gum. Even though he has a huge pain tolerance, this surgery really hurt him. My super-active "wild man" begged us not to make him walk to the bathroom. He cried, and yelled, and fought, and asked us why we let the doctors do the surgery when it was going to hurt him.
Even though this is only a drop in the bucket compared to what you go through every day, I want you to know that someone else can relate. Some else knows that feeling. Someone else is crying along with her son, just wanting to be able to take the pain away.
Many hugs to you. You ARE doing a very good job!

Rachel said...

In all of the heartbreak that comes with watching a loved one in pain... I just can not imagine going through it without our Heavenly Father and our Savior. How do you do that without hope? How do you survive without the faith that God has a plan and that we are all healed in Heaven?

Praying for peaceful nights, and for those joyful mornings.

Don Presley said...

Every night we offer prayers, not only for Bubba, but for you and Jason, that you will have the strength to endure, and the rest to go another day. We, and Bubba, are lucky to have you in our lives, as both of you present a great example of love and endurance. There is no better parents that our Bubba could have, and we love you for it. Nana and Papa