Thursday, June 10, 2010

Faliure is not an option

You know the nerves and fears that you have as a new mom just brining home your newborn, I felt those again this past week. Just as I did almost ten years ago I sat their in our room watching his little chest go up and down, up and down, up and down…. Every beep of the machines made me JUMP up and check on him. Every time he moved I got up to make sure that he was OK and that he wasn’t in a position to hurt his new little friend “toobie”…. yes, that long tube sticking out of his stomach. I have had to learn a lot this past week, a lot about Bubba, machines, and even myself. Bubba's tube was having “issues” The tube connecting him to the machine that feeds him kept coming out. I could not figure out what was wrong and kept thinking to myself “I am a failure, why can’t I just “get” this????” Then I told myself that faliure is not an option!!!! Well, come to find out after calling the medical supply company they should have sent out an adapter because of the type of tube he has coming out of his tummy. WOW, that made me feel so much better…. It was their mistake not mine. The first time I fed him in public felt a LITTLE bit like the first time I got up the nerve to breast feed in public (with a blanket of course. Wink!) I have to admit that it was terrifying the first time, trying to set up his pump, attach his tube, and try to be discreet the entire time. The one reassuring thing about it was that I had my Mom with me. I’m not sure what it is about having my Mom by my side BUT it makes me feel so much confident.

I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I was to have her there waiting at our home when we arrived from the hospital. We were not prepared at all. We needed to get Bubba a bigger bed, make room for all of the equipment, bags, and food that was coming home with us. She jumped into action and reorganized pretty much our entire home. I KNOW…. How amazing is that. I was too tire to feel the normal guilt that I would have watching someone else help and do the things that she was doing. She let me focus on Collin and she helped with all of the other things that needed to be done. The second that she left my house to go to the airport I started to cry. I am so lucky to have a mom that when I call, she will come running to my rescue.

While I am on subject of Mom’s I need to also say a HUGE thank you to Jason’s Mom. She watched Regan the entire time we were in the hospital. She took her to school, brought her to see us at the hospital, and spoiled her rotten. As hard as it was to be away from my baby girl, and it was hard, knowing that Nana was there made me feel so much better.

I am starting to feel a LITTLE bit more confident about my new duties as Mommy. I know that over time it will become easier. So, day by day I try to find the positives in the small victories that I manage to accomplish. Today I fed Collin through the G-Tube at the doctors office…. Wow, I felt like such a pro… until I dropped the cap… then the syringe… and oh yes a good bit of the “formula” on the floor. Oh, well! I cleaned it up and guess what, we survived.

I am so grateful that as I struggle to figure all of this out Collin, as always, has an amazing smile and attitude about it.
We gave Collin Regan's old bed and got her a new one that she LOVES!
I will post better pictures of our make over to the bed later.
I loved watching these two play under her bed and put on a show!
The hardest part of Collin feeling better is that he tends to feel better than he is. He kept pulling to stand on the furniture and then his sweet little legs would give and he will fall... HARD. So, after the nurse said he was doing good we went to the Aquiruam. I felt good about it becuase I had my mom with me.  This allowed him to get out but stay in his chair and rest.
Collin LOVES the bird and always wants to go in and see them.
My Mom was brave enough to feed them. 
 I don't know if she knew what she was getting into.
Is it bad that I am hidding behind my child.....
The birds LOVED my mom.....
Yes, that is a bird on her HEAD!!!
One bird just came and sat right in Collin's lap.
I feel so lucky that God trusts me with such a special little guy. I won't lie... some days it is hard BUT it is sooooo worth it. Both of my children bless my life in so many ways. I LOVE being a Mommy, I love being their Mommy.


Poppie said...

I had a few tears myself on the way to the airport. I am glad I was sitting in the back seat! I am so glad I could come and be with you for a few days. I had a wonderful time and enjoyed helping with the home make over! Collin and Regan were perfect angels, as always! I bet the next time I see Collin he will be so chubby I don't recognize him!

Anonymous said...


Alyssa said...

I don't know you, but I came across your blog while looking at Stacy Peterson's blog. I just wanted to let you know that your ADORABLE little boy's story has really opened my eyes. He is so sweet, and so heaven sent! You are such a wonderful mommy, and your cute family has made me look more lovingly on my life, and towards my Heavenly Father. I did a blog post about your blog, and how it touched me. (I hope that is okay!) you can look at it at Thanks for sharing such wonderful stories about your baby boy's journey through life as he lives it, and yours as a mom of two cute kids!
Alyssa Wall

Anonymous said...

julie, our heavenly father has blessed collin with a wonderful mother. im sure he looks down on you everyday with an abundance of love. my children also called my mother nana... what a blessing to have her there with you and im sure she is oh so proud of you. thank you for sharing your story. it has truly touched me. :)

munyer jerk chicken said...

As always when I read your blog, I am amazed at many things and thankful for many things, including Collin's good recovery!

We'll be down in Long Beach on the 4th of July. We plan on going to the breakfast on Saturday and then the ward meeting on Sunday. I hope we'll get to see you!

Simply Sara said...

oh that smile just melts my heart.
he is so adorable! what a sweetheart.

you are a special mommy.
Blessing to you and your sweet kiddos.

p.s your mom is so fun! I'll bet that was so exciting to see Grandma with a bird on her head ;)