Monday, March 2, 2009

I am tired….

I am tired because I have not slept in days.

I am tired of watching my baby in so much pain despite having a high tolerance for pain.

I am tired of watching tears roll down my sweet baby’s face while he is sleeping.

I am tired of feeling helpless.

I am tired of medication after medication.

I am tired of having to check to make sure my litBoldtle man is still breathing every ten minutes.

I am tired of having to hold him because I can not put him down because of tremors and because he is to weak to hold himself up.

I am tired of knowing that he is loosing much needed weight.

I am tired of wondering is this the time?

I am grateful....

I am grateful for the power or prayer.

I am grateful for the priesthood and a husband who is worthy.

I am grateful for a best friend who is the best dad I have ever seen.

I am grateful for a sweet little girl that runs to get me towels to clean up the vomit and doesn’t complain one bit.

I am grateful for my mom who is visiting and hasn’t complained once that everything that we had planed on doing has been put on hold.

I am grateful for Diet Coke that gets me through the day. Wink!

I am grateful for my mom who entertained Regan all morning with games, books, and dress up so that all of my attention could go to Collin.

I am grateful for a loving husband that wipes away my tears when watching my baby in pain is just to much.

I am grateful for all of the little blessings in my life….

I am grateful that I got a smile out of Collin at one point.

I am grateful that he seems to be doing better.


It is possible for my heart to be broken and full all at the same time?

16 comments:

Braden and Jodee said...

Okay to be honest I never read your posts about Collin because I know they will make me cry. But I am have been so tired the last 3 or 4 days so the first line caught me and I just kept going. Sure enough, I'm crying. You are a champ, and I'm realizing I don't know the meaning of tired. Lots of love to you and your family right now :) <3

munyer jerk chicken said...

amazing what our hearts are capable of taking, isn't it? thank you for allowing your own experience to be such an example for the rest of us. i hope he continues to get better!

Zurmely family said...

My heart is with you, Julie. A mother is capable of feeling all sorts of things... Give that little man a kiss for us and know you have our constant love, prayers and support.
Wish I was there to help...

Palmyra said...

We hope that he'll feel better, and that you'll get some rest. Your posts also make me cry!

Jennie said...

I wish we lived closer so I could take Regan for a playdate or something, just to lighten your load a little bit. We love you guys, and you are amazing Julie!

Marie said...

You are my biggest inspiration right now. I don't know how you do it. One can only imagine the joy you will feel when this life is over and you see Collin made whole in a healthy and strong body and he hugs you and thanks you for being such a wonderful mother.

Kristi said...

Julie you are one amazing woman and inspire so many people-especially me-to be better and to be more Christlike each day. You are ALWAYS in my prayers and right now I am praying that you can get some rest. Big hugs to you guys. :)

The Gray Family said...

Julie, if everyone was half as amazing as you this world would be a far better place! I'm sorry your little guy is having such a rough time...let me know if we can do anything!

arroyo fam said...

what a gift it is to be able to see and feel God's hand in your life... and your family's. Thanks for sharing your days with us. we love your family!

Kristi said...

Geez, I truly couldn't imagine what you go through everyday. My oldest had severe asthma up until he was 3 years old, and I remember the ER visits and staying up listening to him breathe. But, that is truly nothing compared to what you go through EVERYDAY! I seriously think you must have been a very strong, righteous spirit because I know I probably would have cracked a long time ago! Love to you and your babies!!

Amy said...

Julie, you are so amazing! You have brought me to tears with your honesty and all the love you have in your heart for your sweet family. I hope Collin is feeling better! Give him a hug and a kiss from his Texas friends!

Kristin said...

That just breaks my heart! I can't even imagine the hard times you and your family have gone through. I think of you often with such admiration and amazement at your positive out look on everything. Little Collin is so blessed to have such an awe inspiring mother!! Hang in there and know that my prayers are with you! Love ya!

Tina said...

Huge hugs.

Tina said...

Huge hugs.

carrfamily4 said...

Your family is in our prayers. I am always amazed at your strength and postive attitude. You and your family are such an example. We love you guys. Please feel free to call me anytime you need something. 562-319-3347.

Julie

sara and gailon said...

You are amazing! My prayers will be with you and your sweet little ones.