Thursday, September 13, 2012

{Dear Bubba}

Dear Bubba,

My sweet boy, oh how I miss you. I miss my side kick and partner in crime. I miss holding you and kissing your big ol’ forehead. I miss our cuddles at night and climbing into bed with you when you hurt. I miss that BIG sweet smile of yours and how the world was just somehow right when you smiled.  I miss the sound of trains and Disney movies. I miss your laughter and looking in the rear view mirror to see you smiling at the world as we passed it by. I miss laying out your clothes and looking for your glasses for the millionth time that day. I miss watching the busses with you and how excited you got and demanded that we stayed until the very last one had pulled away. I miss hooking you up for your feeds, changing your diapers and giving meds. I have never performed such rewarding service than that in my own home to you my sweet boy. Who know that changing diapers could be so rewarding and spiritual?  I miss our midnight cuddles in the recliner and being able to tell you all of my secrets. I miss petting your hair in that way that always seemed to comfort you. I miss our elevator rides and pushing the handicap door buttons. I miss your kisses and how you never gave me just one. I miss walking through the hospital halls pushing you, while we both had smiles on our faces, no matter how bad it got…. We were always happy you and me. I miss watching you and Regan playing together and the HUGE smile you always got when she kissed you. We went to Disneyland and it just wasn’t the same without you Buddy. I miss your snoring in my ear at night. I miss stubbing my toe on all of your darn equipment.  Simply put Bubba, Momma misses you so much.

Regan misses you too. She misses her best friend. She tells me that she misses your smile and your big heart. The first day of school was very hard for her. She cried the entire night before and morning of the first day. It was new and scary not having you there with her. Don’t worry though she is doing better and she volunteers with the “handicapers” at school every day. She is seeing a special lady every week to help her with her feelings about losing you and she really likes her. Sissy has started soccer! I know you would love watching her play. This was something that she was never able to do before because you and I were always at the hospital. She was nervous the first day but she is starting too really like it. Last Sunday Regan asked me to bare my testimony and it was hard but I did it. I want her to know that no matter what happens that her Mommy still has a testimony that Jesus lives, that Heavenly Father very much loves our little family, and that FAMILIES CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER. I promise you buddy that I am doing my very best to take care of your best friend.  I have even let her have ice cream for dinner a couple of times now… ;-)

 We go to your graveside often. Stanley loves going there to see you. He always has a HUGE smile on his face while we are there. He misses you too.

I have to thank you Bubba for making me who I am. I was such a baby myself when I had you and boy did you teach me some of the most important lessons of my life. You, my sweet little boy, made me the woman that I am today.  You made me want to be a better person. You made me want to strive to be worthy of the amazing title of “Bubba’s Mommy”. Thank you my sweet boy for being my Hero.

Mommy is trying so hard to make you proud. This past year we have been blessed to be served by so many wonderful people and I am trying to repay that now. I think you would be proud of me. We are doing a pillow case drive in your name for Child Life at Miller Children’s hospital. Your girlfriends there miss you. Today was my first day volunteering in the temple and it was amazing. A young man with a similar syndrome to yours came into be sealed to his parents. Oh, what a sweet experience that was to be able to help them and talk to his Mommy about you. We were able to bond and share some very sweet moments together because of our boys. They invited me to go and watch them be sealed together for all time and eternity and the entire time all I thought about was you. I thought about how very lucky I am to have such a special boy and that you are mine for all eternity. I am trying to find good ways to use my time. I got a gym membership, I know crazy. The guy asked me what my goals were and I answered by saying “My goal right now is just to wake up and get out of bed each morning…. Then I’ll take it from there.” Mommy is also talking to someone like Regan about my feelings, this is very helpful. I am going to start volunteering in Regan’s class and spend even more time with her. Oh, and of course I will be in the temple Thursday mornings. I think this is a good start. So, if you see Mommy crying don’t worry Buddy it’s only because I miss you so much. Mommy is doing OK and I have lots of wonderful people, like Daddy, that are watching out for me.  Mommy is just trying to figure out how to be without you by my side every second of every day.

 I love you to the moon and back my sweet boy and miss you like crazy. It’s hard but Mommy is looking for reasons to smile and to be happy all of the time. You taught me that Buddy, even in the hardest moments you had a smile. I hope you and Uncle Bill are behaving yourselves. Regan thinks that you two are picking up chicks. ;-) I love you Baby… forever and a day.




Palmyra said...

Thank you Julie, You are amazing. I'm sure he misses his girls too.

Deb Newman said...

you may not feel like a strong woman right now Julie, but you really are. I am SURE your little buddy is very proud of you. xoxo
Love ^Katelyn`s^ Mumma

veronica & Evie:) said...

Ahhhh Julie I totally know what you mean abt diaper changing, cuddleling,and even I tell my deepest secrets to my princess and is a blessing dat god chose us to be mommies to our special kids. Thanks for sharing how ur feeling take care and god bless you and ur family:)

Anonymous said...

Julie my heart goes out to you I hear every word and feel all
Of it cos Ilive it too Everday I cannot even begin to imagine the pain in your heart but please know we are here on the otherside of the world thinking of you Sammy Joe sends you hugs and sweet kisses to you and Regan and a manly hand shake to Jason

Christine said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us Julie!

April said...

Sending all my love....

Susan said...

Such a wonderful letter to your little Champion! You've gone way past the moon in your expression of "forever love"—it's to Heaven and back, for sure! If Uncle Bill and Bubba are picking up chicks, I'm sure Bubba is still reserving time to watch over his two favorite chicks.
You are making such good choices to stay healthy at the gym, be with people, feed your spiritual core, and be counseled in your loss even though staying in bed sometimes feels like a compelling choice. Your service to others through the Child Life project is going to make a difference to other children who will be so happy with the new pillow cases! All those things will help ease you through your toughest days--which I'm sure are EVERY day right now. I'm so happy to hear that Regan is taking up soccer! I think she will love playing it, and I think you will love watching her play it. I just read this morning that it's one of the best sports to keep kids healthy. I know I've loved watching my little ones play it. I can only imagine how much Regan must miss Bubba and that's just heartbreaking, so now I'm doubly glad you've got Stanley to help with companionship for her and I'm glad she has a counselor to talk with about her loss. I'm sure you've welcomed her openness about her feelings too. It's obvious that you haven't left her on the outskirts while you confront your own grief. She's always been as lucky as Bubba was to have you for a mommy.

I'm keeping you in prayers of health, peace, and healing.....and wishing you unexpected smiles today to remind you that you were the recipient of the BEST SMILES EVER! He truly was a blessing. We miss him too.

Jessica Layton said...

Your strength and love for your family amaze me. I am sorry for your loss. I have followed "Bubba" ever since my cousin Tammy married your sweet brother :)

I will pray for you and your family. He was a special little guy that touched the hearts and lives of so many people he never even met.

The last Unicorn said...

oh Julie... you are doing amazing! I admire your desire to keep giving. Bubba must be so proud of you!

Charlotta-love said...

Cried through this entire post. Then got to the last sentence about him picking up chicks and laughed out loud. Crying and laughing are good for the soul.

I'm thinking of you. Put your family on the prayer roll today.