Tuesday, April 16, 2013

{a silly sleeper sofa}

Our living room was a dark red when we moved in, at first I loved it, but then it started to wear on me. It felt like a dungeon and seemed to make our cozy little home even more “cozy”. When Bubba started becoming sicker I told hubs that I felt the need to redo our living room…. Brighten it up… make it happier. A very sweet friend offered to paint our living room for us. I can’t even begin to tell you how blessed we have been over the past twelve years by service from others. This sweet friend knew that it would be a hardship for us to paint with Bubba…. he and his team had it done in no time at all. I don’t know if he will ever truly understand what a blessing that simple paint job was for a tired Mommy. Out of all of the things that we could be doing while Bubba was so sick re decorating the living room might seem silly to most but I felt the NEED to do it. Mine and Bubba’s hours together in the recliner cuddling seemed somehow brighter and fresher with this new take on our living room. In a way it made our long days together a little more bearable.


After the paint job was finished it was time to move on to the next step in this make over…. Furniture. Our recliner was breaking {literally breaking apart} from so many nights and days spent cuddling our boy in that chair.  We headed to lazy boy to pick out the perfect recliner and sofa. While we were there I felt the overwhelming NEED to get a sleeper sofa.  It cost more money and wasn’t what we had originally planned on but I just felt like we NEEDED it. I thought the reason for this feeling was because of all of my family that was promising to come and visit us that year or maybe even if we did somehow find the perfect nurse for Bubba she would stay the night on it. Hubs agreed and we made our purchase. We got the furniture several weeks later and got our living room set up perfectly.


Our cozy little home felt just a little brighter and happier despite the daily hardships with Bubba’s declining health.


All of the family that had planned on visiting us was not able to make it out…..

The nurse that I was hoping to find never made it to our door…..

I was wondering why in the world we had bought that darn sleeper sofa if it wasn’t ever going to be used.

Then I understood…..

August 9th 1012.

I walked into our bedroom to check on my sleeping baby in his bed to find the unthinkable. My sweet twelve year old son was not breathing. I screamed…. I SCREAMED. I didn’t realize it at the time but the neighbors started coming over to help and later told me it was because of the scream… they knew. I watched helplessly as a team surrounded my tiny baby and worked on him. I sat in the front of the ambulance while my baby was in the back with his team… the lights were flashing but the driver wasn’t speeding. I knew. We walked through the doors of the ER to silence. {If you have been to the ER as many times as we have you know how loud the ER is.} When we walked through the hallway they each stopped what they were doing, stood, and watched us pass by them… silence…. They knew.  In that moment I KNEW. I broke down and couldn’t breathe. I struggled for each breath and before I knew it I was welcoming the darkness that over took me. I felt numb. It was better than knowing. I came to on a gurney in my own room surrounded by my sweet husband, father in law, big bad dad, social worker, doctor, and nurse. They had placed oxygen on my face and were coaxing me to breathe on my own. The police stood by the door wanting to ask a few more questions and I saw the sadness written all over his rugged face. He knew.  That is when the doctor came to tell us that our sweet, sweet boy had died and that there was nothing that they could do to save him. I started to panic again, struggling for each breath, and welcoming the darkness to come and take me again. My sweet husband stood by my bed begging me to stay with him.  He needed me and I was a mess… nothing that I ever thought my grief would be. I was then told by the social worker that if I wanted to say good bye to Bubba I needed to pull myself together and be able to leave my room. That was what I needed to hear. They all left us alone and gave us privacy to let it all settle into our minds.

We knew.


We made our way to Bubba’s room and there was my sweet boy laying on a gurney as if he were simply taking a nap.  He had a small quilt covering him from the chest down, a tube sticking out of his mouth, and every other machine taken away. I kissed his sweet head a million times, climbed in bed with him, talked to him, sang to him, loved on him, stroked his hair over and over, and then it was time to say good bye.  It took three grown men to pull me out of his room… my sweet husband, my big bad dad, and my wonderful father in law.


By the time we got home it was late. Hubs called his mom and asked her to please bring Regan back home to us, we needed her with us. We needed to hold her. I went to go back into our bedroom but it was too hard.  I stopped in the doorway and broke down… I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t sleep in there. I hurt too much.


That night Hubs, Regan and I slept on the sleeper sofa together… holding each other… crying together….. And trying to figure out what the next day would bring.


Later I realized why I felt the need so badly to get that darn sleeper sofa…..

It was our refuge in the hardest and darkest night of our lives.


When I think back on all of the things that happened leading up to that day I can’t help but know that God is aware of me. He knows me and knows exactly what I need even if I don’t understand it myself. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that will prepare us for events in our lives even if we are not ready for them. I am grateful for friends that paint and a silly sleeper sofa. I am grateful to know that when I stop and listen God will direct me in every direction in my life…..

The big moments….

And the small ones…

Yes, even as small as the purchase of a sleeper sofa.




My Homestead said...

Beautiful Julie!

Sarah said...

Julie, this is so powerful. Your words, your story, you. So powerful! Thank you for sharing this beautiful testimony. I love how the Lord works and guides us even when we don't fully understand at the time.
love you sweet, sweet friend.

Johanna said...

You've left me with goosebumps. I follow your blog but I haven't commented until now. Thank you for sharing. It has touched me deeply.

Kenny said...

Love you. Love you a TON.

The Story of us said...

Thank you for sharing your testimony and your story, Julie. It is beautiful and so powerful.

Christine said...

God is so amazing. And so are you!

Kristi said...

You made me cry AGAIN! ;) I couldn't imagine going through all you and your family have gone through without the love and guidance from our Father in Heaven. It's wonderful you have so many supportive and amazing people in your lives! Love you!

Susan said...

I, too, shed tears for the hard memory of your pain. Even the smallest, seemingly inconsequential things can make new sense on a deeper level we never explored until a difficult challenge made us want and need to sort things out. You are a master at sorting things out. Prayers are still with you and Jason and Regan, with continued thanks for sharing sweet Bubba with us. He remains precious beyond the confines of this life, in the memory of so many.

Anonymous said...

Julie, I would love to hear your thoughts on our dear special friends and heaven. It's been an issue of debate lately and I'm curious as to what your view is. Love your beautiful posts.

Rachel said...

He is so merciful! He is tenderhearted and near to the brokenhearted. What "silly" things that He arranges to be a comfort to us. How great is His love for us!