Our living room was a dark red when we moved in, at first I
loved it, but then it started to wear on me. It felt like a dungeon and seemed
to make our cozy little home even more “cozy”. When Bubba started becoming
sicker I told hubs that I felt the need to redo our living room…. Brighten it
up… make it happier. A very sweet friend offered to paint our living room for
us. I can’t even begin to tell you how blessed we have been over the past
twelve years by service from others. This sweet friend knew that it would be a
hardship for us to paint with Bubba…. he and his team had it done in no time at
all. I don’t know if he will ever truly understand what a blessing that simple
paint job was for a tired Mommy. Out of all of the things that we could be doing
while Bubba was so sick re decorating the living room might seem silly to most
but I felt the NEED to do it. Mine and Bubba’s hours together in the recliner
cuddling seemed somehow brighter and fresher with this new take on our living
room. In a way it made our long days together a little more bearable.
After the paint job was finished it was time to move on to
the next step in this make over…. Furniture. Our recliner was breaking
{literally breaking apart} from so many nights and days spent cuddling our boy
in that chair. We headed to lazy boy to
pick out the perfect recliner and sofa. While we were there I felt the
overwhelming NEED to get a sleeper sofa.
It cost more money and wasn’t what we had originally planned on but I
just felt like we NEEDED it. I thought the reason for this feeling was because of
all of my family that was promising to come and visit us that year or maybe
even if we did somehow find the perfect nurse for Bubba she would stay the night
on it. Hubs agreed and we made our purchase. We got the furniture several weeks
later and got our living room set up perfectly.
Our cozy little home felt just a little brighter and happier
despite the daily hardships with Bubba’s declining health.
All of the family that had planned on visiting us was not
able to make it out…..
The nurse that I was hoping to find never made it to our
door…..
I was wondering why in the world we had bought that darn
sleeper sofa if it wasn’t ever going to be used.
Then I understood…..
August 9th 1012.
I walked into our bedroom to check on my sleeping baby in
his bed to find the unthinkable. My sweet twelve year old son was not
breathing. I screamed…. I SCREAMED. I didn’t realize it at the time but the
neighbors started coming over to help and later told me it was because of the
scream… they knew. I watched helplessly as a team surrounded my tiny baby and
worked on him. I sat in the front of the ambulance while my baby was in the
back with his team… the lights were flashing but the driver wasn’t speeding. I
knew. We walked through the doors of the ER to silence. {If you have been to
the ER as many times as we have you know how loud the ER is.} When we walked
through the hallway they each stopped what they were doing, stood, and watched
us pass by them… silence…. They knew. In
that moment I KNEW. I broke down and couldn’t breathe. I struggled for each
breath and before I knew it I was welcoming the darkness that over took me. I
felt numb. It was better than knowing. I came to on a gurney in my own room
surrounded by my sweet husband, father in law, big bad dad, social worker,
doctor, and nurse. They had placed oxygen on my face and were coaxing me to
breathe on my own. The police stood by the door wanting to ask a few more
questions and I saw the sadness written all over his rugged face. He knew. That is when the doctor came to tell us that
our sweet, sweet boy had died and that there was nothing that they could do to
save him. I started to panic again, struggling for each breath, and welcoming
the darkness to come and take me again. My sweet husband stood by my bed
begging me to stay with him. He needed
me and I was a mess… nothing that I ever thought my grief would be. I was then
told by the social worker that if I wanted to say good bye to Bubba I needed to
pull myself together and be able to leave my room. That was what I needed to
hear. They all left us alone and gave us privacy to let it all settle into our
minds.
We knew.
We made our way to Bubba’s room and there was my sweet boy
laying on a gurney as if he were simply taking a nap. He had a small quilt covering him from the
chest down, a tube sticking out of his mouth, and every other machine taken
away. I kissed his sweet head a million times, climbed in bed with him, talked
to him, sang to him, loved on him, stroked his hair over and over, and then it
was time to say good bye. It took three
grown men to pull me out of his room… my sweet husband, my big bad dad, and my
wonderful father in law.
By the time we got home it was late. Hubs called his mom and
asked her to please bring Regan back home to us, we needed her with us. We
needed to hold her. I went to go back into our bedroom but it was too hard. I stopped in the doorway and broke down… I couldn’t
do it… I couldn’t sleep in there. I hurt too much.
That night Hubs, Regan and I slept on the sleeper sofa together…
holding each other… crying together….. And trying to figure out what the next
day would bring.
Later I realized why I felt the need so badly to get that
darn sleeper sofa…..
It was our refuge in the hardest and darkest night of our
lives.
When I think back on all of the things that happened leading
up to that day I can’t help but know that God is aware of me. He knows me and
knows exactly what I need even if I don’t understand it myself. I am grateful for
a Heavenly Father that will prepare us for events in our lives even if we are
not ready for them. I am grateful for friends that paint and a silly sleeper
sofa. I am grateful to know that when I stop and listen God will direct me in
every direction in my life…..
The big moments….
And the small ones…
Yes, even as small as the purchase of a sleeper sofa.
