Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My "forever baby"

Last night I was trying to get my nine year old boy to sleep and he FOUGHT it. You know, the way newborns will fight sleeping and you have to rock them, bounce them, and hold them until you are both worn out. While doing this with him I kept thinking in my head “forever baby”. This is the term that Jason’s Aunt Ann kept referring to Collin with…”your sweet forever baby.” I struggled with Collin for two hours before he finally gave in and went to sleep. My arms hurt, I was so tired, and frustrated by the time that I finally got him to relax. Once my big 33 pound “forever baby” fell asleep in my arms I forgot about how angry and frustrated I was with him just minutes earlier. He looked so peaceful and he just snuggled right into me. I could not stop kissing his forehead and enjoying this moment of peace with him.

I laid him in his bed, just inches from my side of the bed. Yes, Collin sleeps in our room. There was once point in time when he slept in his own room and I heard something and went into check on him and he had a seizure and was blue in the face. Terrifying…. To say the least. Since then he has been in our room right next to my side of the bed, just as he was as a newborn in his basinet.

At around 11:45 Collin woke up for the first time and I got up, picked up my sweet little “forever baby” that was coughing and having a hard time breathing, and headed out to the living room to rock him in the recliner. I gave him his first dose of medications to try to help him. Nope it didn’t help. At this point 12:30ish Jason was getting home from work. Yes, he has to work that late some nights. Jason took Bubba and I headed to get the breathing machine ready. We gave him a treatment and Jason sent me back to bed. I am not sure what time they came back in. Not to long later Collin was waking up again but this time I was able to just put him in bed with me and cuddle him. He woke up, in pain, a couple other times BUT I was able to cuddle, kiss on him, and comfort him back to sleep in our bed.

This is nothing new, this is normal. For nine and half years I have been caring for my “forever baby”. I still have to feed him every two hours just like when he was a baby, only this time it is jar food and yogurt rather than bottles. I still have to change his diapers and wipe his drool. I still have to carry him on my hip while trying to finish my shopping trip in the middle of a break down.

Don’t feel sorry for me.

Last night while my little man was fast asleep in my arms I kept thinking how lucky I was to be able to cuddle him like this EVERY night. My sweet five year old has long out grown “baby” cuddles. She will sit next to me and let me read her a book before bed while I cuddle her BUT it is different. She doesn’t need Mommy like she once did.

Every once in a while for just a brief moment I will wish that we could have another baby BUT then I am quickly snapped out of it as Collin yells at me while the stench of a full diaper quickly fills the room. J Collin is my baby. He might not be “newborn cute” and little any more BUT he is my baby. I have sleepless nights filled with comforting him, changing diapers, and medications. I am grateful for these sleepless nights, they are a gift. I am blessed to know that because of this gift my nights {for Collin} will never be sleepless because of wondering where he is or who is with. My nights wont be spent sleepless worrying about his choices and eternal salvation. My sleepless nights are truly a gift. I feel so blessed for my “forever baby” and the blessings that he brings into my life.


Zurmely family said...

Amen, my sister. He is perfect - just the way he is and I'm so grateful we have him.

Mandy said...

Here is another thing for you to be grateful for. Be grateful he isn't 30ish more pounds! :) That is about what my forever baby weighs right now, and he is as strong as an ox. Trying to change his diapers is quite the adventure. :)

shaylene cook said...

Wow Julie you and your family are such an inspiration. I read your blog and realize life is to short for upset. You make me want to be a better mom. Sometimes i get really frustrated with the small stuff and then i read your blogs and you guys are just amazing.

Randi said...

My dear friend, Julie:

One thing I have learned in the short time I have known you is NEVER TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU! Truth be told, I envy you. I envy your faith, your acceptance, your patience, your capacity to love. I envy you your "forever baby" who you can cuddle and love. I miss my "forever 19" son, and my heart grieves still, but you teach me to cherish the sweet memories I have and not feel sorry for myself. Thank youl

Rachel said...

Love this post. Love the gratefulness and the recognition of a God-given gift. Is there anything more beautiful than to realize that you were made simply to love and be loved?

(We crammed a lifetime of it into 25 hours with my sister's little girl. And how I wish she was our forever baby - you are one blessed mommy. I never minded the sleepless nights when it came to rocking my boy).

Thank you for this bit of beauty!