Tuesday, January 29, 2013

{WAS}


I have decided that the word was is now one of my all-time least favorite words.

 

Ok, before you all start saying…. She done lost her mind!

Let me explain.

I find myself saying was a lot.

And I don’t like it one bit.

The other day I was gushing over a sweet little girl in her wheel chair. Then I got THE look from the mom. The OH what is her deal…  DO NOT PITY ME….or what angel is this chick coming from look. Shoot, I gave that look enough times to recognize it when I see it. So, naturally I started to tell her about Bubba and his special needs. She quickly smiled and realized that I wasn’t some crazy patronizing woman after all and simply a mother that understood.  Before I realized what I was saying she stopped me and said “was??”  With a sigh I realized all that I had said……Oh, yes….. My son WAS in a wheel chair. My son WAS special needs. My son WAS also hooked up to his gtube all of the time.  “Yes, was……  he ummm …. He passed away five months ago.” Then came THE look of pity that she was so worried that I was originally giving her. {How ironic is that.}
 

One day I was at a baby shower and my sweet new friend that I had made five minutes earlier asked me if I had any children. “Yes, I have a daughter Regan she is eight and I have a son Collin who WAS twelve.”  After a pause and her sweet face contorting to one of pity…. came again “was??”   I simply nodded my head with tears in my eyes and a sad smile.  She got it.
 

One day while Regan was playing soccer I overheard two moms talking about medical things and without thinking I quickly turned around and started giving my motherly advice.  One mom smiled at me and said “Oh, you must be a medical Mama too.” I smiled and said “Yes… yes… I am.” Then my smile faltered and quickly corrected myself…. “well, I WAS a medical Mama.”
 

A group of friends were joking about being minivan Mamas. We were all laughing and agreeing how stereotypical we were with our vans. Then it dawned on me…. “Oh, I WAS a minivan mom…. I guess I’m not anymore.”

We bought a brand new van three days before Bubba passed away. We were getting my dream van with a wheelchair lift! I was so excited!!! Seriously, when you think of crazy expensive dream cars a minivan with a wheelchair lift probably doesn’t rank on the top of it.  Luckily my Dad was in town and between all of the great men in our families and a WONDERFUL dealership they agreed to take the van back without any penalties. They happily gave us ALL of our money back despite putting 99 miles on the van. {Seriously y’all if you need to buy a car anytime soon go to Chrysler Jeep in Huntington Beach.} We traded in our old van when we purchased the new one. So, I still needed something to drive and my dream minivan with a wheelchair lift was no longer needed. I was suddenly a mother of one child and no longer had the need for a large minivan.  The men picked out a new car for me without me even seeing it. I don’t think I even drove it until a couple weeks after Bubba’s passing.  So, when I say that my ENTIRE world changed within days I mean it…. Even down to the car that I drive.  I WAS a minivan Mama and now I am not.

 

If someone would have told me that I could hate a simple word in the English dictionary I would have laughed at them but now…

 

 Now, I know how hurtful one simple word can be. 

 

I really don’t like the word WAS and thought you all should know.  

 

So, instead of ending this post with a WAS I thought I should end it with an AM…..

 

I AM the mother of two wonderful children.

I AM learning to reach for my grief rather than run from it.

I AM lucky and blessed to have been a medical Mama.

I AM not a minivan Mama…. And now I kind of like my Jeep. ;)

I AM and will always be Bubba’s Mommy no matter how far apart we are.

I AM not alone and for that I am grateful.

I AM learning each day how to be me again.

I AM sharing my knowledge from my twelve year education with Bubba to those just starting down this hard road.

I AM hurt {oh, am I hurt} but I am not broken.

I AM finding blessings every day and holding tight to them.

I AM a Child of God.

I AM the product of a Master Teacher who happened to be my twelve year old son.

I AM ……………….

 

8 comments:

Melinda said...

your wonderful!!

and i don't even know you!

wish i had when i was living in california!

Sarah Hull said...

I AM so honored and SO blessed to know you and call you friend! Sending Love XOXO

Amy-Sue and Gian Del Bello said...

I am amazed by your strength. I am grateful to know you.

Christine said...

Wow! I never thought how many times in normal, everyday life you would have to explain yourself/ your situation. How can you heal when the scab is constantly being ripped off?!?! God has given you an amazing amount of grace and love!

ctrmother said...

Julie, you ARE a mom to two angelic children, one in heaven and one here on earth. How blessed you ARE!

Anonymous said...

I cry every time I read your blog. You are an inspiration, stronger than I ever could be. Sweet love you.

The Gray Family said...

you are also STRONG and AMAZING!!! Hang in there Julie hugs your way!!!

Susan said...

You ARE wise in ways that others are not.
And you WILL also eventually help others learn to do the part that you are doing now, when and if they should suffer the same kind of horrific loss and have to start the same hard journey of grief....
...because you are handling it in beautiful ways, full of grace and honesty despite your deep hurt, that would make your Bubba proud.
Yes, you will always be the mother of two beautiful, special children.