Wednesday, January 16, 2013

{Today}


I feel like everywhere I look a piece of my sweet boy is missing.

I look in the corner and his wheel chair is no longer sitting there.

When I look in the rear view mirror his car seat is no longer there.

The oxygen, IV poles, feeding pumps, and other machines were quickly collected by the insurance and medical supply companies the week after his passing.

I look were his bed once was, next to my side of the bed, and it is no longer there.

That one was hard.

I found him in his bed.

Every time I looked at his bed I saw him there.

It broke my heart to walk into our room every night to see an empty bed.

Hubs and I decided to remove his bed before he returned to work after Bubba’s passing.

I don’t know what was worse….

An empty bed…

Or an empty space where a bed once was.

The comfort that we took from making this decision came from knowing where his bed was going.

Our beautiful friend that lovingly took care of Bubba {and Uncle Bill} for us after his passing is a single mother.

She is amazing.

When we found out that her sweet five year old daughter was sleeping in a toddler bed, we knew where we wanted Bubba’s bed to go.

I knew that it would mean as much to her as it did to us.

When I do the laundry his clothing isn’t mixed in with all of ours like it once was.

When my mother was here for the service she did all of his laundry and tucked it away for me so that it would be there waiting when I was ready.

I have not opened his closet.

Nope, not once.

It was just too hard.

I have been talking about this one in therapy a lot.

How will I know, can I trust myself enough to know when I am ready??

Today was that day.

It was a hard decision to make.

Hubs has the week off from work and I knew that I would need his support.

My wonderful mother and father in law are leaving to do missionary work for a couple of years soon.

My mother in law offered to make me a quilt out of Bubba’s clothing.

I can’t think of anyone I would trust with those precious pieces of my boy more than her.

I know that I could not bear to cut them up myself.

It would be too hard.

So, with all of this said I knew that I needed to go through them and give her time to make the quilt before she leaves on her adventure with her sweetheart.

We will also be moving this year and I didn’t want to clean out Bubba’s closet along with everything else in our home.

I didn’t want to feel rushed.

I didn’t want it to feel like something that I HAD to do because we were leaving.

Today was the day.

With each piece of clothing that I pulled out a little part of my heart broke just a little more.

The tears flowed freely between Hubs and I.

We laughed and talked about each article of clothing that brought back memories…

Good

And

Bad.

The stains… the smells… the hospital socks… old glasses straps…. 

So many memories.

A little bit went back into the closet.

I have a feeling that no matter how long it’s been or how many times we move he will still have space in a closet.

Today was HARD.

Today was beautiful memories.

Today was a new start.

Today started with a prayer asking God to be with me…

To help me….

And he was.

John 14:18
I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

 

5 comments:

Randi said...

Tears, dear friend. I am not looking forward to doing that...and it's been twenty years for me to get used to the idea. Hugs, love.

Susan said...

These specific pains that you listed are ones that many of us are familiar with. It always helps if you are able to make someone else's life easier with the things you must part with. The clothing issue was hard for me until I realized that I had pictures of my loved one in those articles of clothing and that I didn't need to keep them to touch. We made some special pillow covers out of some of the things and that brings me comfort. I'm sure your quilt will also bring you comfort. You are not on a schedule to pass certain milestones in your grieving, so waiting until you feel ready to do certain things or go certain places is fine. You are doing an admirable job of adjusting and learning your new routine while you battle the grief. I promise that it won't always be as hard as it is now.
You are still in my prayers as you make your way forward. I understand how hard the journey is.

The Story of us said...

You are an amazing women. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

The Gray Family said...

love you!!!

reset said...

LaMorris says he hope you feel better, he tells me that Collin is okay. That he talks to god every night about him. Stay strong xoxoxoxoxo...