{WAS}

I have decided that the word was is now one of my all-time least favorite words.

 

Ok, before you all start saying…. She done lost her mind!

Let me explain.

I find myself saying was a lot.

And I don’t like it one bit.

The other day I was gushing over a sweet little girl in her wheel chair. Then I got THE look from the mom. The OH what is her deal…  DO NOT PITY ME….or what angel is this chick coming from look. Shoot, I gave that look enough times to recognize it when I see it. So, naturally I started to tell her about Bubba and his special needs. She quickly smiled and realized that I wasn’t some crazy patronizing woman after all and simply a mother that understood.  Before I realized what I was saying she stopped me and said “was??”  With a sigh I realized all that I had said……Oh, yes….. My son WAS in a wheel chair. My son WAS special needs. My son WAS also hooked up to his gtube all of the time.  “Yes, was……  he ummm …. He passed away five months ago.” Then came THE look of pity that she was so worried that I was originally giving her. {How ironic is that.}

 

One day I was at a baby shower and my sweet new friend that I had made five minutes earlier asked me if I had any children. “Yes, I have a daughter Regan she is eight and I have a son Collin who WAS twelve.”  After a pause and her sweet face contorting to one of pity…. came again “was??”   I simply nodded my head with tears in my eyes and a sad smile.  She got it.

 

One day while Regan was playing soccer I overheard two moms talking about medical things and without thinking I quickly turned around and started giving my motherly advice.  One mom smiled at me and said “Oh, you must be a medical Mama too.” I smiled and said “Yes… yes… I am.” Then my smile faltered and quickly corrected myself…. “well, I WAS a medical Mama.”

 

A group of friends were joking about being minivan Mamas. We were all laughing and agreeing how stereotypical we were with our vans. Then it dawned on me…. “Oh, I WAS a minivan mom…. I guess I’m not anymore.”

We bought a brand new van three days before Bubba passed away. We were getting my dream van with a wheelchair lift! I was so excited!!! Seriously, when you think of crazy expensive dream cars a minivan with a wheelchair lift probably doesn’t rank on the top of it.  Luckily my Dad was in town and between all of the great men in our families and a WONDERFUL dealership they agreed to take the van back without any penalties. They happily gave us ALL of our money back despite putting 99 miles on the van. {Seriously y’all if you need to buy a car anytime soon go to Chrysler Jeep in Huntington Beach.} We traded in our old van when we purchased the new one. So, I still needed something to drive and my dream minivan with a wheelchair lift was no longer needed. I was suddenly a mother of one child and no longer had the need for a large minivan.  The men picked out a new car for me without me even seeing it. I don’t think I even drove it until a couple weeks after Bubba’s passing.  So, when I say that my ENTIRE world changed within days I mean it…. Even down to the car that I drive.  I WAS a minivan Mama and now I am not.

 

If someone would have told me that I could hate a simple word in the English dictionary I would have laughed at them but now…

 

 Now, I know how hurtful one simple word can be. 

 

I really don’t like the word WAS and thought you all should know.  

 

So, instead of ending this post with a WAS I thought I should end it with an AM…..

 

I AM the mother of two wonderful children.

I AM learning to reach for my grief rather than run from it.

I AM lucky and blessed to have been a medical Mama.

I AM not a minivan Mama…. And now I kind of like my Jeep. ;)

I AM and will always be Bubba’s Mommy no matter how far apart we are.

I AM not alone and for that I am grateful.

I AM learning each day how to be me again.

I AM sharing my knowledge from my twelve year education with Bubba to those just starting down this hard road.

I AM hurt {oh, am I hurt} but I am not broken.

I AM finding blessings every day and holding tight to them.

I AM a Child of God.

I AM the product of a Master Teacher who happened to be my twelve year old son.

I AM ……………….

 

more Texas fun

Let me start off by thanking my family for not sending me any hate mail....

I know that these posts are taking longer than they would like .....

and well thanks for not making me feel bad about it.

That is one of the hard things about "my" grief.... getting easily distracted and not having the motivation to do things that I once did.

Yup, its pretty crummy and I am grateful for an understanding family becuase I know they want to see these pictures.

Love y'all!!!

{I'm warning y'all now this one is going to be LONG}

Where to begin........

When we got to Texas we arrived to SNOW.....

DON'T JUDGE ME!!!

I am not a bad mom.......

we were not planning on

it being this cold. 

She did end up wearing more than a sweater I promise!!!!

I had to bum a coat off of my mom becuase us Sunny So Cal girls

just weren't ready for the weather. ;)

 

We were surrounded by love and family from the moment we walked through my Mama's door.

It was just what I needed. ;)

Coach, my step dad, is fighting Leukemia HARD and was

eduring Chemo while we were there.

His levels were really low so we didn't get to spend as much time with

him as we would have liked.

PLEASE keep Coach in your prayers. 

I'm just saying it now.... don't judge.

I just traveled from CA to TX and was a mess.

Shoot I'm tired, swolen, cried out face in most of these pics.....

So... don't jude this puffy crazy face of mine.

{hey, but I have on red lipstick!! ;) }

This is my BABY nephew!!!

 I was there when he was born.... he pooped on me...

and NOW... now he towers over me!!!!

I'm not sure I like this. 

Mys sister nancy made us all custim hats!!!

They are awesome!!

 

Ok, so this post went longer than I wanted it to and to be honest I could keep going!

 

We had so much fun!

 

I am so grateful for my family.

 

I seriously can't say it enough.... as crazy.... frustrating... and hard headed as we might all be...

we LOVE each other with all of our hearts and would do anything for each other.

 

I feel pretty blessed to have each one of them in my life.

 

OH, and guess what y'all.................

 

While I was in Texas...........

 

I rode a bull!

 

 {sister that has video better understand that if she knows

what's good for her it will NEVER be made public... EVER!} 

 

Sometimes you just need to {laugh}

A few days after Christmas Regan and I hopped on a plane and headed to Texas.

We got to play with my family for a week and it was wonderful.

I love that they can make me laugh.

So, I thought I would start with the out takes from the week....

just to remind myself that I can still smile and laugh.

One of my new years goals:

Let yourself be happy.

{Today}

I feel like everywhere I look a piece of my sweet boy is missing.

I look in the corner and his wheel chair is no longer sitting there.

When I look in the rear view mirror his car seat is no longer there.

The oxygen, IV poles, feeding pumps, and other machines were quickly collected by the insurance and medical supply companies the week after his passing.

I look were his bed once was, next to my side of the bed, and it is no longer there.

That one was hard.

I found him in his bed.

Every time I looked at his bed I saw him there.

It broke my heart to walk into our room every night to see an empty bed.

Hubs and I decided to remove his bed before he returned to work after Bubba’s passing.

I don’t know what was worse….

An empty bed…

Or an empty space where a bed once was.

The comfort that we took from making this decision came from knowing where his bed was going.

Our beautiful friend that lovingly took care of Bubba {and Uncle Bill} for us after his passing is a single mother.

She is amazing.

When we found out that her sweet five year old daughter was sleeping in a toddler bed, we knew where we wanted Bubba’s bed to go.

I knew that it would mean as much to her as it did to us.

When I do the laundry his clothing isn’t mixed in with all of ours like it once was.

When my mother was here for the service she did all of his laundry and tucked it away for me so that it would be there waiting when I was ready.

I have not opened his closet.

Nope, not once.

It was just too hard.

I have been talking about this one in therapy a lot.

How will I know, can I trust myself enough to know when I am ready??

Today was that day.

It was a hard decision to make.

Hubs has the week off from work and I knew that I would need his support.

My wonderful mother and father in law are leaving to do missionary work for a couple of years soon.

My mother in law offered to make me a quilt out of Bubba’s clothing.

I can’t think of anyone I would trust with those precious pieces of my boy more than her.

I know that I could not bear to cut them up myself.

It would be too hard.

So, with all of this said I knew that I needed to go through them and give her time to make the quilt before she leaves on her adventure with her sweetheart.

We will also be moving this year and I didn’t want to clean out Bubba’s closet along with everything else in our home.

I didn’t want to feel rushed.

I didn’t want it to feel like something that I HAD to do because we were leaving.

Today was the day.

With each piece of clothing that I pulled out a little part of my heart broke just a little more.

The tears flowed freely between Hubs and I.

We laughed and talked about each article of clothing that brought back memories…

Good

And

Bad.

The stains… the smells… the hospital socks… old glasses straps…. 

So many memories.

A little bit went back into the closet.

I have a feeling that no matter how long it’s been or how many times we move he will still have space in a closet.

Today was HARD.

Today was beautiful memories.

Today was a new start.

Today started with a prayer asking God to be with me…

To help me….

And he was.

John 14:18
I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

 

Christmas Day... we survived.

It was HARD...

 

Oh, was it HARD....

 

it was painful.

 

 

We did the only thing that we could......

we made the day about her.

Thank heavens for sweet little Stanley.

He was by her side all morning just as excited about everything as she was. ;)

 

 

I'm not even joking when I say that  I think Bubba was whispering in Stanley's

ear telling him to get excited about a doll house... a make up kit.....

to just be close to her and be excited with her.

 

Then we headed over to Nana and Pa Pas house......

 

 

 

Nana know how special Pooh has become to Regan...

it is her concection to Bubba.

So, Nana made her a checker board quilt out of Pooh fabric. ;)

 

 

 

Pa Pa got Jason these remote control cars....

I think I even heard some laughing....

laughter on one the of hardest days.

 

After all of the presents were opened.....

the three of us went by ourselves to see Bubba.

We cried a LOT.

We told him what we got him for Christmas...

we each preformed an act of service in his name.

We talked about our favorite memories with him on Christmas.

We cried.

We laughed.

We hugged.

 

It was HARD.....

Oh, it was HARD....

it was painful

BUT

we survived.

Christmas Eve continued...........

Christmas Eve night we started new traditions as well.

We knew that it would be hard with so little family here this year....

with out Bubba... Uncle Bill....

and others that have moved away.

So, we decided to invite friends that are like family to join us on Christmas Eve.

Regan figured out the whole Santa thing last year....

;(

Here was our talk before the night......

Me:"Regan don't you dare say anything to any of the other kids... you hear me!!!"
Regan:"What do y...ou mean... about who Santa REALLY is mom??"
Me: "Yeah Regan don't ruin this for the other kids OK... if not Santa will not bring you a presnt."
Regan: "Sure Mom... I got it... my lips are sealed.... tell Pa Pa I said thanks!"
 
Love her. ;)

Then it was time for the Nativity........

After Luke was read it was time for Jammies and good byes.....

Thank you sweet friends for sharing our Christmas Eve with us and

making just a little bit more.....

bearable.