Thursday, March 15, 2012

My sweet baby girl

Tuesday night {at midnight} after just getting Bubba’s pain under control and getting nestled all comfy cozy in my bed I heard a noise…. a LOUD yucky noise coming from the bathroom. My sweet baby girl was throwing up.  I quickly pulled her hair up, stroked her back, and told that it was OK. I sat with her in the bathroom all night, occasionally taking breaks to snuggle on the sofa. When Bubba woke up hurting Hubs took care of him so that I could continue to care for our Reggy girl. It broke my heart to see her hurting and so sick but there was something wonderful about being able to be there for her when she needed me most. Luckily it was fast and furious and was done with by the morning. She stayed home from school so that we could keep an eye on her before sending her back. That morning we had an appointment with a new home health nursing agency. Regan was very excited about this lady coming over. When I asked her why she was so excited she replied “well, if we have a nurse maybe you can do more stuff with me… maybe you can come on my field trip.”  I hate that there are so many things that I can’t do for her…. Field trips, taking her to school, picking her up from school, committing to a sport or activity for her because I don’t know if I could pick her up or drop her off if Bubba is sick, shoot even just cuddling some nights are impossible because I am holding Bubba.  I can be pretty stubborn {wink} but even I realize that it is time for some help. Yes, I am admitting it…. I need help.

Last night Bubba came down with the flu, a casualty of having a sister that loves you so much and smothers you with kisses. We spent all night in the recliner, his favorite place to cuddle. While Hubs was home I was able to sneak away {unshowered… yes, I just made up a word} to make sure that Regan got to her acting class after school OK.  I had to call for help to pick her up from her class. Thank goodness for an amazing Nana, I don’t know what we would do without her. When she got home, with dinner in hand she sat in the living room eating her subway while I grilled her about her first acting class. She LOVED it! I LOVE that she has something that is all about her… nothing to do with her sick Bubba. We continued to eat dinner, Regan sitting on the floor, and me snuggling Bubba, and I noticed Regan getting quite. So, I asked her if she was OK. She then went on to speak the words that I have been dreading, fearing every day….. “Mom, I am jealous of all of the time you spend with Bubba. I miss doing the fun stuff we used to do all of the time. I miss just having fun… I miss you coming and volunteering in my class… It makes me sad {pause} a little angry that you can’t come on my field trip because you have to take care of Bubba.”…. “I just want him to be a handicapper again…I don’t want him to be sick anymore!!!!” These words broke my heart into a million pieces. I know that she needed to get it out and vocalize it and it was good for her to finally say it but boy does it hurt my heart to feel like I am failing to be what everyone needs me to be right now.  I listened to her without judgment and then tried to remind her of the fun thing I try to make time for… when we went to see the lorax…. Getting ice cream together…. And I talked about the night before when she was sick and how there isn’t anywhere else in the world that I would have rather been than by her side.

Bubba is only getting sicker……I don’t want to go into all of the details tonight but it is hard. It is hard to watch his body betray him and feel so helpless. It is hard to watch Regan have to endure this burden as well. I am praying that this sleep deprived, crazy Mommy, can figure how to be what both of my children {and Hubs} need me to be right now, while still finding peace myself.

A HUGE thank you to everyone that is helping our family right now. There are so many sweet ladies that have brought us food… Jeanette, Kendal, Rosa, Ce Ce, Kara, and my amazing mother in law. And there are those that have been helping get Regan to and from school… Kay, Stacy, Vicky, Rosemary….  THANK YOU!!!! Your kindness just warms my heart!!!

I have so much on my mind BUT I hear a little boy crying out and I need to get ready for our meeting with the surgeon tomorrow. Thank you for your love and support.


Rachel said...

And in the middle of wondering how to meet everyone else's needs... remember that this quandry is perfectly lovely because you are LOVED.

Praying - that God will bless your minutes, your activities, your time together to be full of restoration and joy. That He would meet those emotional needs and recharge YOU.

Praying for every single step with Bubba. Asking for His grace.

Kristi said...

Julie, you are doing an amazing job. I think as mothers we often feel guilty because we think we are not meeting everybody's needs the way we think we should. Your sweet family has had to endure more than any family should, but yet you always find time to do things with your kids and have a smile on your face. Your daughter will grow into the most amazing, selfless person because she has learned that from you and her daddy and grandparents. She may not understand it now, but she will see these things with age. You are functioning and doing an amazing job at it. I think it's great that your daughter was able to share that with you and is able to communicate her feelings. I wish I lived closer. I think she would make a great friend for Violet! I think of you and your family often. You should be giving yourself a lot more credit. You're doing great!

Christine said...

I can't imagine how hard it was to hear Regan say what she had to say, BUT it shows what a spectacular mommy you are that she felt comfortable sharing those emotions with you! You are doing a wonderful job raising both of your kiddos!
Sideline, hopefully to evoke a smile: I'm not going to pretend that our situations are all that similar, but our 10 year old, Eli, was born with a cleft lip and palate. I know that in the big scheme of things, it's "minor", but there are a lot conditions that go along with it that many people just don't realize. Thus, our middle child, Ruby, has sat through more than her share of doctor's appointments with her big brother. So I digress... Anyway, two years ago, Eli was going to "Camp About Face" (a Riley Hospital camp for kids with craniofacial anomalies) for the first time. As we were leaving, Ruby, of course, wanted to stay as well. So, as we are leaving, we are dragging along a 4 year old who's screaming at the top of her lungs, "I WISH I HAD A CLEFT TOOOOO!!!". Resentment for Eli getting so much 'attention' we expected; Ruby asking for a cleft too-- we just never thought of that! LOL!

Susan said...

It's so good for Regan to be able to speak about her true feelings, with the security that she won't be judged negatively for them. Anyone could agree that it's not fair, in the sense that life is sometimes not fair, for Regan to have to feel this range of scary, sad emotions at her tender age. Your response to her was the right one. By reminding her of the fun things you HAVE been able to do with her, you came as close as possible to resetting her internal GPS so that she could "recalculate" the way she looks at things. She CAN understand that you can't possibly be everything to everyone all at once, and as much as she loves Bubba, she does know that he needs you in very demanding ways right now. Sometimes when a child seems to be saying they want more attention, s/he is really saying that s/he wants things "changed". If you were able to spend more time with Regan, it would mean that her Bubba was doing better and that is the change she really wants. She wants things to go back to the way they were—her sense of normal. She's a very strong little girl but this is such an emotionally charged situation because Bubba is much sicker. We can easily imagine how much she wants him well again, so that, added with wishing her mom could do the things some of the other kids' moms get to do, compounds those strong emotions. I encourage you to let her be whatever part of helping Bubba she can be right now, and praise her for her tender love for him. I'm glad to know you are getting help. Hopefully, that will give you some time for you, AND time for jason and Regan, without taking anything away from Bubba's care . We are all so sorry Bubba is going through this, and that it's causing your family such sadness. Hang in there, Julie. Take credit for the fact that you're doing everything you possibly can. Praying for your family's strength, as always......

Christamae said...

Many (((hugs))). I think jealousy is normal for all things. I can certainly tell you love your kiddos...When I get overwhelmed I try to remember this life is a small smackeral :) of eternity.