Thursday, January 7, 2010

My heart is breaking.....

tonight because Bubba is in so much pain.

Today when I picked Collin up from school his teacher told me “Collin was a little out of it but we think it was just because of the new medication…. Just thought I should let you know.” Yes, Collin has had some miner side effects from the new medications BUT he had not had a seizure since starting them and has been sleeping better. No, not as good as I posted about the other day BUT good for Bubba. I don’t know if his sweet little body will ever let him get a full nights sleep.


While we were grocery shopping Collin started fussing, I looked in his eyes and I saw it. Oh, no it is coming. He could feel it and I could see it. I hurried through the store carrying Collin in my arms and pushing the BIG car/shopping cart with Regan and our much needed groceries. I have been known to leave a full cart in the middle of the store when this happens BUT we NEEDED these things. We got to the front and quickly checked out. I snapped at Regan , for no good reason. I CRIED and then apologized. I finished loading the car and drove like a mad woman home. I carried Collin inside and sat him on the ground. I asked Regan to sit next to him and let me know if he started to seize. I RAN , as if I were in a sprint race, to and from my car to get the groceries out. I made it back in time to find Collin hysterically crying. I scooped him up and then it started…. He started seizing, vomiting, and crying out in pain. I cleaned him up and then looked over to see all of this food sitting by my front door. I CRIED.


Regan asked me “Mommy do you want me to put the groceries away?” Then with out me even responding she jumped into action. My sweet five year old little girl put EVERY single thing away. I CRIED…. She has so much responsibility with out even knowing it. She is amazing!

Jason came home with Taco Bell in hand and ready to relieve me.

Collin’s sweet little body has been in TONS of pain. It breaks my heart. As I was holding him he SCREAMED out in pain. I CRIED…. A lot. I told Jason how unfair I felt it was for him. Then Regan walked over and asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was sad that Bubba was hurting. She kissed my cheek. I CRIED.


We were hoping that these new medications would be the ones that would help him escape days and nights like this. On February 4th Bubba will be sedated and they will look at his sweet little brain. They want to see if this horrible illness is progressing. I AM SCARED.


Please pray for my little man tonight.

UPDATE: After a very long night Collin woke up feeling better. Thank you for your prayers. He is one tired and "out of it" little guy. I am sure it will take a couple days to recover. Thank you all for your prayers. BIG HUGS!!




10 comments:

Erin said...

I am praying for you all Supermom.

KraftyKy said...

Praying with all my heart...through tears. HUGS to all of you!

kirsti osborne said...

oh man julie! i'm crying. i'm so sorry for collin. he is so lucky to have you for a mom and reagan for a sister. we'll be praying for you as well.

Randi said...

Always prayers for Collin and all your family. If I can do anything at all for you, please let me know. I'm only 10 minutes away.

Kristi said...

I am SO, SO, sorry! He is in our thoughts and prayers. You all are!

Anonymous said...

Dear Julie-
You and your family are such an inspiration, but one person can only do so much , so I am saying a special prayer today on your family and especially Collin's behalf. Hope a few of your burdens are lifted soon. You are one of my heroes.
Sending lots of love-
Janae

EvaMarieva said...

You are in our prayers. We love your family.

Kristin said...

Oh Jules that's horrible. Poor little guy. My little girl has had a cough and not been sleeping well, and it makes me sad to see her in pain. That is clearly nothing compared to what your sweet Collin goes through on a daily basis. What a strong little spirit he has. And I almost think you have to be even stronger to watch him go through the pain. I will pray for him. Reagan is such a sweetheart and sounds so thoughtful.

Sara said...

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Collin and Regan are so lucky to have you for a mom. I am so impressed by you all....

Evie B. said...

Lots of prayers from the Ballard fam.

And for the record, YOU are a champion, too. :)