I don’t know how else to start this post other than to simply state that my heart hurts today.
This morning after being in the gym for about forty-five minutes and halfway through my work out I noticed a commotion by the entrance to the gym. There on the ground was one of the sweet elderly men that come daily to play racquet ball. My hurt sunk as I saw one woman preforming chest compressions while another woman was getting the first response machine paddles ready. I stood there frozen, unable to move and then as I watched the scene take place in front of me I no longer saw the sweet little old man, I saw my baby boy. It was so, so close and before I knew it I was reliving that night all over again. Before I could even register that it was happening tears were rolling down my face. Luckily, a sweet man that I have shot around with on the basketball court saw me and I am sure the horrific emotions that were playing across my face, and insisted on taking me to “work on my jump shot” since the exit was blocked by everyone assisting the older gentlemen.
After getting on the basketball court and away from the visual of that sweet man lying on the floor I began to relax. While we took turns shooting the ball we talked… and talked…… no doubt he was trying to keep my mind off of what was taking place just beyond the gym doors. I learned that he was a minister and quickly our conversation turned spiritual…. We talked about Bubba in heaven and what a sweet reunion it will be. We talked about his trip to the holy land and being able to enter into the tomb that Jesus was resurrected from. We talked about the Team Bubba pillow case project and service. We talked about God and how good he is. Before I even realized it this sweet man and I were having a very spiritual experience on a basketball court, as we sweat, and despite the chaos that was surrounding us. It was just what I needed in that moment.
I called my mother in law after the leaving the gym to make sure our dear friend had not been there to witness the events of the morning in the gym, since it was too close to home for her. While we were on the phone I told her about my experience with this sweet man and then she replied….. “Bubba was watching over you… it was no coincidence that he happened to be the one by you in that moment. Bubba was taking care of you."
She was right.
After I got home I learned the heart breaking news of the children of Sandy Hook Elementary School. My heart broke for these parents and the horrific reality that they are living. I know what it is like to feel like the world is normal and then the next day have to worry about planning a funeral. I want to hug each and every mother; wipe away her tears, and tell her how very sorry I am that she has to live this night mare. Every time I turned the radio on I would hear how awful and hard it would be for these parents to have to endure this Christmas without their children, just another reminder that I as well will have to endure this Christmas without my Bubba in my arms.
At this point I was ready to climb back in bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep the day away BUT as I was cleaning off the dining room table I noticed a paper from Regan’s school….. You are invited to a ceremony to celebrate your child’s academic achievements. I looked at the date and it was for TODAY… I quickly finished doing what I needed to do, showered, and was headed out the door to Regan’s school. I was so overwhelmed with pride to see my baby girl awarded with the Principle’s honor roll for having a 3.6 or higher GPA. Despite having a difficult year Regan has continued to shine and excel at everything that she puts her mind to.
I have no doubt that my sweet little Bubba made sure that I saw that invitation sitting on the table and didn’t overlook it while cleaning. My sweet little guardian angel made sure once again that I was taken care of and reminded me of his amazing sister and how lucky I am to be her mother, to still have her here with me to hug and cherish.
My heart hurts so much and I miss my boy like crazy and would give anything to hold him in my arms again but I am grateful and humbled to know that he is watching over his Mommy, that I have such a special Guardian angel watching over me.