Friday, October 26, 2012

{EVERYTHING} is different

Going to the Pa’s Pumpkin patch each year has become a fun family tradition.  It was something that we all looked forward to. As soon as we would pull into the parking lot Bubba would start smiling and yelling, Regan would start plotting how all of the tickets would be used, and every year fun memories were made. So, I am sure that it comes as no surprise that the thought of going to the Pumpkin Patch this year brought with it some hard emotions. The thought of going without our Bubba was just unbearable. Each time we passed it Hubs and I would burst into tears.  Hubs told me that he just couldn’t do it this year; I agreed that it would be just too hard… maybe next year.   

One night Regan asked not if BUT when we were going to the Pumpkin Patch. I told her that I wasn’t sure if we would make it to the Pumpkin Patch this year. Then with a big sigh she said “EVERYTHING is different.” She then went on to point out that we had not taken out any of our fall decorations this year, that she was the only one in our family dressing up, and that we had not decorated our front porch in its normal spooky Halloween style.  


 Talk about a punch to the stomach. Her sweet observation made it clear that yes indeed, everything WAS different.


This got me thinking. There was a reason that we made these traditions, we wanted to make lasting memories that we would treasure forever with friends and family. There are so many wonderful memories in that simple little plot of land that tie back to fall and our little boy.  I don’t want to ever forget those wonderful smiles, him running away with his walker, ridding that darn train over and over with Regan, and making sure that he rode everything that his little body would let him.
So, I decided to muster up any grit that I had left in me and take her to the Pumpkin Patch. I had plenty of offers from friends to take her for me but this was something that her Mommy needed to do. I knew that I couldn’t do it alone so I enlisted the troops to come with me. Nana told me “I didn’t let you start down the road alone when Bubba was a baby... and I won’t let you now. “ I am so grateful for them. I didn’t want Regan to have to do this alone either. I knew that she was excited but I was worried it might be hard once we got there if she didn’t have a friend to play with.  

I put on my “mask” that I have mastered over the years, put up some walls, and tried to get myself mentally ready for a “simple” trip to the Pumpkin Patch.

From the second that we pulled in I knew it would be hard but I kept repeating a simple little prayer in my head “Dear God, please help me to endure my blessings.”

The amazing thing is that I did it! I climbed another huge mountain and managed to be what my daughter needed me to be for her. I managed to compartmentalize everything and be in the moment with Regan……

It was awesome to see her running around with her friend, smiling, and having fun!
Oh, how she loved riding the horse!!!
{When we go to Texas in Dec. I am hoping we get her out and really ride.}
There is something freeing and wonderful about riding a horse.

Games were played.....
animals fed.... 

and grandparents cuddled. ;-) 

It was HARD and so different but it was also wonderful to
 see Regan enjoying life and making new memories.

I was grateful that I was able to endure this blessing and enoy her sweet smile.
On another note:... just keeping it real over here.
Just in case you think that I have some kind of cold heart or super human strength
 I want you to know that yes I made it through the outing but at the end of the day......
it still hurt.
I learned to do hard things all of the time for my boy.
 I am now learning a differnt kind of hard for my girl.
"Dear God, give me the strength to endure my blessings."


Karen said...

When I saw that last picture of you crying...I wanted to reach through the computer and hug you. I hope you are having a better day.
Love from Wisconsin

Susan said...

Prayers continue to be with you as you move through the pain, trying to keep life normal and fun for Regan. The first year is such a struggle getting through the traditional fun times that now have a cavernous hole in them. I promise you that it will not always be this devastating. You are hanging on the best way you know how and that's all it takes right now—getting through each day and trying to keep some semblance of normalcy, however small. You are accomplishing that.

Simply Sara said...

everything is different.
i get that.

when i lost my mom it was all the little things that i remember being the hardest. doing things without her. laughing again. having fun. it was a hard mix of feeling guilt and accepting that it was ok (healthy even) to be "normal" again. happy. laughing.
it was so hard (even as a 10 yr old little girl) to figure out how to be ok with enjoying life again.

but there is hope in our God.
He does give strength when we need it.
and i promise He will heal the broken pieces of your heart.

how i wish i could give you a hug.
wrap regan up tight too.
make it all better....

i hate that you have to go on.
it sucks.
my heart just breaks.

i am proud of you for facing these hard traditions.
proud of you for putting one foot in front of the other.

you are a gem.
He is proud of you too.
regan is lucky to have you as her mama.
you, my sweet friend, are wonderful.


Anonymous said...

i pray for you several hundreds of times a day. your such a strong young lady and such a loving, caring mother and an exceptional wife. this is hard... but i learned through some difficult times in my life that when the tough was to tough someone was carrying me... im grateful he had my back.. you will make it through this, regan and your husband will as well. time, time and more time. your doing awesome. :) your little man is looking down on you and smiling with his big heart.

Rachel said...

It is so hard to survive, isn't it?

I am so very glad you took that step and went and made some sweet memories with your girl. She's every bit the miracle Bubba is... the same strength runs through her as runs through the rest of your blessed family.

Just had to share... Itty Bit randomly mentioned Bubba tonight as we brushed our teeth. We talked about how utterly amazing Heaven is, and before I knew it, the tenderhearted boy was in tears. "But I'm so SAD".

Thankful that our Heavenly Father knows and feels and never leaves.