{friends}

I feel pretty blessed to have many wonderful FRIENDS......

Friends that have been there for me over the past 13 years...

Friends that have been there for me the past 8 months....

Friends that have rocked and cuddled my boy.....

Friends that have brought dinner to our home.....

Friends that helped make Bubba's service so special.....

Friends that have picked me up and carried me when I have needed it....

Friends that make me laugh....

Friends that bring me Diet Coke....

Friends that don't rush or push but are simply there......

Friends that listen, truly listen.....

Friends that show up at my door step when it's needed most....

Friends that bought busses for the luncheon and Mickey ears to go on his casket.....

Friends that work out with me.....

Friends that happily meet up with me for lunch dates or girls night out.....

Friends that let me love on their babies and don't judge me as I cry...
{knowing how hard it is for me.}

Friends that have helped with my sweet daughter.....

Friends that send sweet text messages.....

 

Friends that don't tell me it is going to be ok.. they simply hug me.....

Friends that don't get mad at me when I don't return phone calls or text messages....

Friends that will go to the same movie over and over with me becuase they know we will end up laughing so hard we cry.....

Friends that....

Love me... broken and all.

I am so grateful to have such an amazing support system of friends.

I feel blessed.

When life is hard and I could easily find a million things to be mad about I will choose to be grateful.....

Grateful for all of the amazing women that lift me up, strengthen me, love me, and make me want to be a better person.

Thank you friends.

I don't know how I would have gotten through the last eight months with out you.

 

{a silly sleeper sofa}

Our living room was a dark red when we moved in, at first I loved it, but then it started to wear on me. It felt like a dungeon and seemed to make our cozy little home even more “cozy”. When Bubba started becoming sicker I told hubs that I felt the need to redo our living room…. Brighten it up… make it happier. A very sweet friend offered to paint our living room for us. I can’t even begin to tell you how blessed we have been over the past twelve years by service from others. This sweet friend knew that it would be a hardship for us to paint with Bubba…. he and his team had it done in no time at all. I don’t know if he will ever truly understand what a blessing that simple paint job was for a tired Mommy. Out of all of the things that we could be doing while Bubba was so sick re decorating the living room might seem silly to most but I felt the NEED to do it. Mine and Bubba’s hours together in the recliner cuddling seemed somehow brighter and fresher with this new take on our living room. In a way it made our long days together a little more bearable.

 

After the paint job was finished it was time to move on to the next step in this make over…. Furniture. Our recliner was breaking {literally breaking apart} from so many nights and days spent cuddling our boy in that chair.  We headed to lazy boy to pick out the perfect recliner and sofa. While we were there I felt the overwhelming NEED to get a sleeper sofa.  It cost more money and wasn’t what we had originally planned on but I just felt like we NEEDED it. I thought the reason for this feeling was because of all of my family that was promising to come and visit us that year or maybe even if we did somehow find the perfect nurse for Bubba she would stay the night on it. Hubs agreed and we made our purchase. We got the furniture several weeks later and got our living room set up perfectly.

 

Our cozy little home felt just a little brighter and happier despite the daily hardships with Bubba’s declining health.

 

All of the family that had planned on visiting us was not able to make it out…..

The nurse that I was hoping to find never made it to our door…..

I was wondering why in the world we had bought that darn sleeper sofa if it wasn’t ever going to be used.

Then I understood…..

August 9^th 1012.

I walked into our bedroom to check on my sleeping baby in his bed to find the unthinkable. My sweet twelve year old son was not breathing. I screamed…. I SCREAMED. I didn’t realize it at the time but the neighbors started coming over to help and later told me it was because of the scream… they knew. I watched helplessly as a team surrounded my tiny baby and worked on him. I sat in the front of the ambulance while my baby was in the back with his team… the lights were flashing but the driver wasn’t speeding. I knew. We walked through the doors of the ER to silence. {If you have been to the ER as many times as we have you know how loud the ER is.} When we walked through the hallway they each stopped what they were doing, stood, and watched us pass by them… silence…. They knew.  In that moment I KNEW. I broke down and couldn’t breathe. I struggled for each breath and before I knew it I was welcoming the darkness that over took me. I felt numb. It was better than knowing. I came to on a gurney in my own room surrounded by my sweet husband, father in law, big bad dad, social worker, doctor, and nurse. They had placed oxygen on my face and were coaxing me to breathe on my own. The police stood by the door wanting to ask a few more questions and I saw the sadness written all over his rugged face. He knew.  That is when the doctor came to tell us that our sweet, sweet boy had died and that there was nothing that they could do to save him. I started to panic again, struggling for each breath, and welcoming the darkness to come and take me again. My sweet husband stood by my bed begging me to stay with him.  He needed me and I was a mess… nothing that I ever thought my grief would be. I was then told by the social worker that if I wanted to say good bye to Bubba I needed to pull myself together and be able to leave my room. That was what I needed to hear. They all left us alone and gave us privacy to let it all settle into our minds.

We knew.

 

We made our way to Bubba’s room and there was my sweet boy laying on a gurney as if he were simply taking a nap.  He had a small quilt covering him from the chest down, a tube sticking out of his mouth, and every other machine taken away. I kissed his sweet head a million times, climbed in bed with him, talked to him, sang to him, loved on him, stroked his hair over and over, and then it was time to say good bye.  It took three grown men to pull me out of his room… my sweet husband, my big bad dad, and my wonderful father in law.

 

By the time we got home it was late. Hubs called his mom and asked her to please bring Regan back home to us, we needed her with us. We needed to hold her. I went to go back into our bedroom but it was too hard.  I stopped in the doorway and broke down… I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t sleep in there. I hurt too much.

 

That night Hubs, Regan and I slept on the sleeper sofa together… holding each other… crying together….. And trying to figure out what the next day would bring.

 

Later I realized why I felt the need so badly to get that darn sleeper sofa…..

It was our refuge in the hardest and darkest night of our lives.

 

When I think back on all of the things that happened leading up to that day I can’t help but know that God is aware of me. He knows me and knows exactly what I need even if I don’t understand it myself. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that will prepare us for events in our lives even if we are not ready for them. I am grateful for friends that paint and a silly sleeper sofa. I am grateful to know that when I stop and listen God will direct me in every direction in my life…..

The big moments….

And the small ones…

Yes, even as small as the purchase of a sleeper sofa.

 

 

 

Easter and Spring Break

Easter was hard, as everything else has been, but we survived.

 

That seems to be the on going theme when asked how our holiday was...

 

"Well.... we survived."

 

I am grateful for my sweet little girl and that becuase of her I am forced to find and look for the Joy in everything.

I couldn't not put Bubba's basket out so I filled it with Winnie the Pooh stuff for Regan.

A simple reminder of her Bubba.

 

I turned Bubba's bow tie into a head band.

I needed to have my boy close to me On Easter. 

 

Sprink Break week was BUSY!

 

I asked Regan to make a list of everything that she wanted to do on Spring Break.

 

I think we got it all checked off. ;)

 

Park Day with friends! 

 

Art work 

 

Jon's Incredible Pizza!!!

 

 

Slip n slide fun!!

Day at the bay with friends. 

 

{The moms!}

A day at American Girl! 

Ms. Sherrie came with us and it was her first time.

{I don't know who had more fun... the girls or her! wink!}

Some serious shopping at Dylans Candy. :)

Lunch at the Farmer's Market at The Grove.....

and some sweets for the grown ups... WHAT!!?!?

 

Another day at the bay....

I mean come on you can't live just minutes away and not enjoy a beautiful day.

{Can you guess where we will be every day this summer??}

 

I will be wearing this sweet boy's hat all summer long. ;)

 

This picture gets me teary every time I look at it.

Our little buddy Kumaka has Spina Bifida and Regan and his big brother

 Kalani didn't want him missing out on all of the fun.

Regan held onto him while Kalani paddled them across the bay.

It was the sweetest thing.

My sweet little California girl!

 

We had a wonderful Spring Break!!We are so blessed to live in such a FUN place that has so many wonderful things to do. We are blessed to have so many wonderful friends that will play with us at the drop of a hat. I feel blessed that we were able to make so many wonderful memories together. I know all to well how important it is to live in the moment and not put it off until tomorrow. I am grateful that we lived each good day with Bubba to its fullest and I will continue to do the same with my sweet girl. She is already growing up way to fast and before I know it these moments will be few and far between. I am grateful for each and every smile that I am able to tuck away for a hard day. I am grateful for the comfort in knowing that my sweet boy wouldn't want it any other way. In my hardest, darkest moments it is the smile of my two amazing children that get me through. I am grateful for every chance I am given to put that smile on her face. ;)

 

I am blessed.

 

I choose Joy.

 

I choose Happiness.

 

I choose making memories.

 

I choose smiles.