My "forever baby"

Last night I was trying to get my nine year old boy to sleep and he FOUGHT it. You know, the way newborns will fight sleeping and you have to rock them, bounce them, and hold them until you are both worn out. While doing this with him I kept thinking in my head “forever baby”. This is the term that Jason’s Aunt Ann kept referring to Collin with…”your sweet forever baby.” I struggled with Collin for two hours before he finally gave in and went to sleep. My arms hurt, I was so tired, and frustrated by the time that I finally got him to relax. Once my big 33 pound “forever baby” fell asleep in my arms I forgot about how angry and frustrated I was with him just minutes earlier. He looked so peaceful and he just snuggled right into me. I could not stop kissing his forehead and enjoying this moment of peace with him.


I laid him in his bed, just inches from my side of the bed. Yes, Collin sleeps in our room. There was once point in time when he slept in his own room and I heard something and went into check on him and he had a seizure and was blue in the face. Terrifying…. To say the least. Since then he has been in our room right next to my side of the bed, just as he was as a newborn in his basinet.

At around 11:45 Collin woke up for the first time and I got up, picked up my sweet little “forever baby” that was coughing and having a hard time breathing, and headed out to the living room to rock him in the recliner. I gave him his first dose of medications to try to help him. Nope it didn’t help. At this point 12:30ish Jason was getting home from work. Yes, he has to work that late some nights. Jason took Bubba and I headed to get the breathing machine ready. We gave him a treatment and Jason sent me back to bed. I am not sure what time they came back in. Not to long later Collin was waking up again but this time I was able to just put him in bed with me and cuddle him. He woke up, in pain, a couple other times BUT I was able to cuddle, kiss on him, and comfort him back to sleep in our bed.

This is nothing new, this is normal. For nine and half years I have been caring for my “forever baby”. I still have to feed him every two hours just like when he was a baby, only this time it is jar food and yogurt rather than bottles. I still have to change his diapers and wipe his drool. I still have to carry him on my hip while trying to finish my shopping trip in the middle of a break down.

Don’t feel sorry for me.

Last night while my little man was fast asleep in my arms I kept thinking how lucky I was to be able to cuddle him like this EVERY night. My sweet five year old has long out grown “baby” cuddles. She will sit next to me and let me read her a book before bed while I cuddle her BUT it is different. She doesn’t need Mommy like she once did.

Every once in a while for just a brief moment I will wish that we could have another baby BUT then I am quickly snapped out of it as Collin yells at me while the stench of a full diaper quickly fills the room. J Collin is my baby. He might not be “newborn cute” and little any more BUT he is my baby. I have sleepless nights filled with comforting him, changing diapers, and medications. I am grateful for these sleepless nights, they are a gift. I am blessed to know that because of this gift my nights {for Collin} will never be sleepless because of wondering where he is or who is with. My nights wont be spent sleepless worrying about his choices and eternal salvation. My sleepless nights are truly a gift. I feel so blessed for my “forever baby” and the blessings that he brings into my life.

Best Friends

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.

- Albert Camus

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.”

 

"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."

- Anon

"If I had one gift that I could give you, my friend, it would be the ability to see yourself as others see you, because only then would you know how extremely special you are."

~B.A. Billingsly~

"Friends are the people God gave us to keep us company... "



Collin was having a hard day yesterday and an even harder night last night. Regan brought him towels to vomit in and stroked his head as she told him she loved him. Today he stayed home with me and when we went to pick up Regan up from school and he saw her, he smiled from ear to ear. They have such an amazing bond and love for each other. She knows what he saying even when there are no words. He makes her laugh when no one else can. They are two peas in a pod. I feel so blessed to have two amazing children that love each other so much. Heavenly Father knew how hard this road would be for Collin so sent a best friend to walk beside him.

Playing catch up

1. First off I need to introduce you all to my new little neice. Sweet little Kylee was born on March 2nd. Her mommy did such a good job and I am so proud of her. This is my sister, Nancy, that just adopted their little boy from China over Thanksgiving. Their sweet little family is growing so fast. I can not wait to get my hands on both of them when I fly out there next month. :) Yes, her Aunt JuJu made her that big old bow!! Do you think I would ever let a little girl in our family not have a little Diva style! wink!

2.I am so excited that the Target around the corner opened up ther "mini" grocery store this week!!! This is going to make my life so much easier!!! They have produce, meat, and so much more. Now when I say "Oh, no I forget (fill in the blank) for dinner!" I can just put Collin in the stroller and go for a walk with the kids!

3.We spent Thursday with some good friends to celebrate this little guy's birthday.

Thanks for letting us join in on the fun!!!! It was hard to tell who was having more fun.... the Dads or the kids!

3. The new JoAnnes store opened and I was very excited!!! I went twice in one day loaded with TONS of coupons!!

4. The president of Miraflex saw my post about Collin's new glasses and called me all the way from South Africa to tell me how touched he is by Bubba and his story. (He also like the pictures!)

5. I have been making LOTS of new hairbows! I have been making a new style just to keep it original I have been seeing a lot of the styles that I have been making and feel the need for change! wink!

6.I have been taking LOTS of pictures! (and more to come)

I am behind....

I have so much to write about but I think I should spend my time tonight working on my RS lesson. So, I thought that I would just post a little sneak peek of some fun pictures. I have the most beautiful friends and I LOVE it when I get invited into their home for fun times like this.

Just when I thought he couldn't get any more handsome...

Yesterday we got Collin's new glasses. They are Mira Flex and are supposed to be unbreakable. Well, Collin will test that out for them. They are made out of one solid piece of plastic... this means no screws or hinges. I am excited and hoping that this will be the pair that will last for a while. The frames weren't even that expensive either. It is always the lenses that cost the most. So, after insurance paid their portion we only had to pay (insert sarcastic tone) $260. I will happily pay what ever we have to for this little man. Jason and I joke that he is the most expensive thing we “own”. It seems like every other day we are getting a new medical bill for something. We will happily live with out so that we can pay his bills if it means we get to live with him. To top it off… just when I thought he couldn’t get any more handsome. He is one good looking little man!

Mental health day

Yesterday I pulled the kids out a little early from school so we could play. Jason's family was in town visiting and we wanted to spend some time with his Aunt, cousins, and their families before they left. Nana went with me and we had fun playing just the four of us before we met up with everyone. The plan was to meet for dinner. Collin started acting tired and out of it as soon as we got there. :( This means that I had to leave before dinner even started so I didn't get any good pictures of everyone. Oh, our sweet Bubba.... you just can't change his routine one bit. It is so hard on him. It was fun playing with the kids and Nana... we needed a mental health day.

Make over Monday

Guess who got a much needed hair cut.... my sweet little girl. So, she will be my make over Monday. I did work on something fun with my mother-in-law but I will show you tomorrow! Good night!

{Special}

I had the pleasure to go and take pictures for a wonderful friend family member on Saturday.Grandma Pat is the one that told me that Collin was disabled when he was a baby. How would she know you ask.... Well, she has three amazing children, two of them are disabled. She took me under her wing when Collin was just a baby and has always been such a huge support to me. So, when I was invited to come and take pictures of Jimmy doing one of his favorite things,bowling, I jumped at the chance. He is on the Special Olympics bowling team and is very talented. I didn't get the pictures I wanted.... I needed an external flash BUT was afraid of having to much flash becuase of seizures. (Jim's seizures are triggered so easy.) At the end of the day I captured some fun ones BUT will have to go back with a flash.

We could not leave with out letting the kids bowl a little. They had a blast! It was a GOOD day!!

"Mommy, I need you"

What is it about motherhood that make’s you feel so wonderful one second and like a complete failure the next?

I wish I new the answer to that. At the end of the day all we can do is our best, right?

Lately, I have been doing my very best just to keep my head above water.

Collin was very sick for pretty much the entire month of February and then some. With this he needed so much if not all of my attention. There were seizures and vomiting….. and a little girl that needed to be fed. If I put him down then he could choke… what to do? Luckily I have an amazing mother-in-law that lives with in minutes and came to my rescue often. More often than not I felt torn. It breaks my heart to think that I might be a complete rock star with one child while I am keeping him breathing and giving him one medication after the next …BUT ….then did I fail with my daughter that only wanted Mac and cheese for dinner and I had to call for help?

I was starting to finally feel like I was treading water well and then I heard these words from a sweet little voice…

“Mommy I need you… I need some time with you.”

You know what…. I needed some time with her too.

So, with my first chance {Jason’s first day off in seven days} I pulled her out of school a little early and it was just Mommy/ Regan time. Her teacher asked what we were going to do and I explained to him that we needed time together. He looked at me and smiled and said “I agree….since Tuesday {the day of Collin’s test} the sparkle in her eye has been gone.“ I don’t ever want her sparkle to disappear…EVER.

We started our day together by going to the Aquarium to watch a Barbie movie that she wanted to go to this weekend but was not able to because of Bubba. Guess what … It wasn’t showing any more. That ended up being a VERY good thing I think. Instead of watching a movie we went exploring.

First we started with the wonderful fish and things at the Aquarium. We were able to take our time and didn’t have to rush because someone was getting fussy.

Then we continued our exploring by walking to some bridges not to far  away. We ran up and down them. We looked at the algie in the water and watched men praticing throwing balls for the Dog dock jumping competion this weekend.We laughed...a lot!

Then we walked over to shoreline village where explored by trying funnel cake for the first time.

We met new friends. :)

We played games.

We hugged.... and held hands

And best of all we found that Sparkle!!!!

Motherhood brings out the very best in me. I LOVE being a Mommy to two amazing children. When all is said and done I hope it is the days like this that Regan remembers not the hard ones. Here's to more wonderful sparkle filled, happy, and memorable days like this!