One year

Earlier in the week my sweet husband told me that I would want to make sure that all of my work was edited and finished by Thursday. He also, oh so sweetly, told me that I would probably want to finish unpacking the few remaining boxes upstairs and clean up the guest room. Of course this piqued my curiosity and had me asking a million questions. At the end of our conversation I learned that someone… from Texas… was coming on Friday the…. one year mark since our sweet son’s death. I couldn't imagine who it cold be since Regan and I just returned from our trip to Texas just a week before. So, I happily left it at that and stopped my interrogation. Someone had put a lot of thought and effort into being with us on a hard day and I wanted to be surprised.

 

Friday morning I woke with a black cloud over my head. The tears flowed freely as Hubs, Regan and I looked at photo albums and talked about Bubba. I am not sure what it is about 1 year… why is this day harder than the day before??... But it is. It hurt. My sweet husband found me on our bed a broken down mess, in the fetal position. He quickly took off his shoes and climbed in bed behind me taking me into his arms. It was so sweet as if he was trying to block out the pain with his own body and shield me from the hurt of the day. That is true love.

Not long after my break down it was time for the surprise visitor, Regan sat by the window watching every car that passed by. I was in my bedroom when I heard… “Uncle Bubba it’s Uncle Bubba Mommy!!!!” I hurried out to see my sweet big brother walking up to our door…. The tears started. Shortly after walking in the door he asked me where his room was. Yes, I found this a little strange that he was so eager to put his bag away but didn’t give it much thought. Then as we were talking and hugging I hear Regan again “Was…. I think that was Aunt Karen’s purse…….” She ran down stairs and then starts yelling “Aunt Karen is here too!!!! Aunt Karen is here!!!”  I looked at my brother and simply said “Really??” He just smiled. At this point I lost it. I broke down on my sweet big brother’s shoulder as he held me. I rushed to see my sister standing in our living room with her arms wide open.

On August 9, 2013 my sweet brother and baby sister came to be with my family and do whatever they could to ease the pain that we were enduring. I can’t even begin to tell you in words how grateful I am for them and their kindness. They thought that they could ease our pain and simply acted on it... that is true love. 

 Every single person in my family went out of their way to call, message, or show up to send us love and support on this difficult day. I am so grateful that my family didn’t try to make this weekend harder than it already was. They simply loved us… all of us.

Shortly after their arrival we started in our plans for the day. “A day about Bubba.” We started out with lunch at one of the few restaurants that Bubba would endure and that was simply because he could see the bus stop from the patio. ;)

From there it was onto see our boy and bring him flowers.

We headed to the beach after determined to keep smiles on our faces, however hard it might have been.

 

 

 

We ended the day at Bubba Gumps, another one of Bubba’s favorite bus look out spots. ;)

 

The next day we decided to head to the Orange County Fair!!!

Where we enjoyed lots of yummy food....

played games....

 

and rode rides......

 

 

 

I am so grateful for my wonderful big Bubba and baby sister.

In a very hard weekend.....

 

.... these four were my beautiful!

 

I miss my boy with every breath that I take but I know that I will be with him again. I am grateful to know that I have so many wonderful people that truly care about us and love us. 

I am one lucky, loved girl!

 

 

 

 

 

they are my beautiful

This Friday will mark one painful year since our sweet Bubba returned to Heaven. As I think back upon this year there is a ton of pain… a lot of pain…. but I would like to focus on the positives rather that the pain.  

 

 

The night that Bubba died it was my dad that stood at the foot of his bed as Hubs and I said good bye to our boy. It was this same sweet man that broke down like a baby having to watch his own baby endure the unimaginable. It was his two hands that pried me from my boy and wrapped tightly around me as I was pulled out of his room. A wonderful grandfather guided Hubs and I through hard decisions and the planning of his funeral.  He held us up and never left our sides. I was in such a state of haze that I don’t think I truly ever appreciated what a great sacrifice it was for him to have to endure watching me suffer in such a way. I can’t think of a greater pain than being a parent and having to watch your child hurt and being able to nothing for them. I felt this pain many times late at night with Bubba so I know how heart wrenching it must have been for him. He never once complained about the tasks that they were asked to do… researching funeral homes, going to the cemetery, and all of the details that go into planning a funeral.  

"He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." - Clarence Budington-Kelland

They say that funerals bring out the best and worst in people and all you need to do is sit back and watch for someone to show their true colors. Well, my family shined like a beautiful rainbow. Within twenty four hours my entire family was by my side. My baby sister was the first to arrive, she walked into our small home threw her bags down and ran to my side.  No words were spoken she just held me as I cried. She had arrived to find her big sister a tragic mess; I had been wearing the same clothing for days, hadn’t showered, and was refusing to eat. She helped me shower and hand fed me bites of food with tears in her eyes. She dropped everything in her life to rush to my side and care for me as if I were a child. Words cannot express adequately the love that I have for this dear sister and her actions in my darkest hours.

My sweet mother walked through my door with a limp and obvious pain in each step she took. She had major back surgery removing a medal rod that had been placed in her back just a short time before Bubba’s death. She suffered what I am sure felt like an excruciatingly long flight to be by my side. Hunched over she came to me, took me in her arms, and stroked my hair as if I were her small baby again. She listened to each painful, hurt, and angry word that I shared about my boy being taken from me. I know that she was in so much pain but not once did she complain about her pain as she watched me endure mine.

The source of human love is the mother. ~African proverb

Another sister quickly came to my side and when I expressed how I upset I was about my watch breaking the night before in the madness she made it her mission to find me a new one. She left behind her husband and two children to be by my side, love me comfort me and in my crazy state of panic find me a replacement watch for the one that had been broken when I had pulled Bubba out of his bed.  She held, me loved me, and comforted not only as my sister but as my friend.

My sweet Bubba comforted me in a way that only a big brother can. He managed to make me laugh when I thought the sound would never come from my lips again. He held me loved me and comforted me bringing a calming peace that only a brother can. My sweet Bubba and his wife dropped everything to rush to be with us. When Regan said that she wanted to wear of pair of pink converse like Bubba’s to his service they went out of their way to find the perfect pink pair to match her pink dress.

 

My oldest sister left behind her husband and three children (one was here visiting) and rushed to be with me. She held my hand and watched me carefully, I could feel her eyes on me as she worried about me with each breath I took. She wrote a beautiful poem about my boy and shared it with us all. It was a beautiful way to honor Bubba and bring a piece of beauty to an ugly day.

 

The women of the group insisted that I needed to go shopping to get something to wear to the funeral. I did not want to go but eventually gave in. We walked up and down the mall and nothing seemed “right”… I mean seriously what does one chose to wear to their only son’s funeral. In a moment of despair in a crowded store my breath started to become labored and before I even knew it was coming I had a panic attack right there in the store. I ran out like a crazy woman. I sat on the floor in the middle of the mall not caring what I looked like to the people passing by. Each of the women made their way out of the store and just sat with me. No one judged me or tried to make me move. They just helped me focus on breathing and pulling myself back together. I love them for that.

 

Family has always been important but August 9, 2012 my understanding of family took on an entirely new meaning. We might be loud and crazy… We might have our faults… we might not talk on the phone every single day… but at the end of the day we love each other. In that hard and ugly moment in my life a very beautiful realization was made…. My family would do anything for me. My family would look past the financial and physical cost of rushing to be with me because they truly, truly loved me. I am so grateful for my sweet family I don’t know that I could have made it without them. 

 

 

In a truly ugly moment they were my beautiful.

Mother to a teen....

I always looked forward to Bubba turning 13.

For some reason 13 seemed like such a huge mile stone.

13.....

13 didn't turn out to be as wonderful as I had imagined.

Our sweet Bubba spent his 1st birthday in Heaven and what would have been his 13th birthday here on earth with us.

Hubs and I went back and forth with how we should handle this very hard day.

We wanted it to be a celebration of his life and not a reflection of his death.

So, that is what we did.

It was HARD.

Oh, it was hard but it was also beautiful.

We are blessed to be surrounded by so many people that love and support our family.

The night before Bubba's birthday I went into the grocery store to place the order for the balloons and briefly told him what they were for. The next morning when I went to pick them up....the {tattooed, tuff looking} man looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "It hit me last night while I was at home who these balloons were for. I want you to know how special that little boy of yours is. He always had a smile on his face.... even under that silly mask I could tell he was smiling. He is my Hero. Please take these balloons as my birthday gift to him." We stood there in the middle of the grocery store crying and hugging. ;) In that moment I realized that this was exactly what I wanted his birthday to be about! I wanted to remember how Bubba touched EVERYONE'S lives... even the man in the grocery store that would give him balloons. ;)

We decorated his grave in true birthday fashion.

Not exactly how I had pictured decorating for his 13th birthday but we still tried to make it special.

We gathered with friends and everyone shared stories about Bubba.

There were lots of tears and lots of laughs.

Then we sent balloons to heaven.............

to our birthday boy.

 

A huge thank you to everyone that came to celebrate our boy and support us on this very hard day.

After our celebration of life at the cemetery Hubs, Regan, a couple friends,  and I headed over the hospital.

 

Bubba's Hospital Miller Children's Hospital.

 

We wanted to do something positive in Bubba's name on his birthday.

 

So, Team Bubba held a toy drive and boy did y'all come through!!!

 

Team Bubba you rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

By doing smalls acts of kindness we can do great things!!!

 

{I have more pictures to post about his later.}

We pulled up to the hospital and started to unload wagon after wagon of toys. ;)

 

Bubba's first birthday with out him here on earth was beautifully hard.

 

We missed him so much.... we always miss him

 

BUT

 

We took comfort in the stories shared... the lives touched.... the children that will receive toys in his name... and the prayers and kind words that given on a very hard day.

Thank you Team Bubba for loving my boy.....

 

for remembering my boy....

 

for honoring my boy and paying it forward.

 

A lot of little lives were blessed because of you.

 

By doing small acts of kindness we can do great things!!!

 

Thank you.

 

Happy Birthday Bubba! Mommy loves and misses you so much!!!!

 

I always knew that being a mother to a teenager would be hard but I had no idea it would be this hard.