I will not be afraid....

I find myself having similar feelings and worries that I did as a new mother.

I would pack several outfits for our outings “just in case” of explosions.

I would go and stare at my bare fridge and wonder if I REALY needed to go grocery shopping with a baby.

I would often complain about no sleep.

I would be fearful of new experiences and if I would be able to handle it with my baby.

I would set my entire life around feeding and nap schedules.

I would hate someone coming to my messy home and feeling insecure about whether or not they judged me because I didn’t “have it all together.”

I would sit up at night and watch his chest to make sure he was breathing.

I would freak out if a stranger went to touch him.

I am not sure when it happened…. {Well, yes I do… over the past several months}

BUT I am a new mother again.

I find myself in a house with a nonverbal child all day craving the interaction from an adult.

I have to pack several “back up” outfits because of some of Bubba’s new meds.

{Yeah, it aint pretty folks. Maybe it was kind of cute at 1 month but not at 11 years. Wink!}

I find myself scheduling my life around Bubba’s feeds and his medications that he needs to take with his feeds.

I wish I could worry about naps those don’t happen anymore.

Nope, there aren’t naps but if he isn’t doing well he will just sleep ALL day.

{Scary}

I find myself wondering if Jason will mind having pasta one more night this week because I really don’t want to have to push Bubba’s chair and a shopping cart at the grocery store.

I still complain of not getting sleep... that one hasn’t ever changed.

With Bubba’s immune levels being so low I am back to freaking out when someone gets to close or touches him.

I am a CRAZY new mom again!!

The part that bothers me the most is the fear of doing new things with my kids and wondering if I can handle it.

If you have been around for a while then you know that we are family that LOVES to play. We love going on adventures and checking out new places. We love to try new things. We love going to the science museum, Disney, Aquarium, parks, or just whatever cool thing we hear about.  It has never been “easy” to go on these outings with Bubba but I have never doubted my ability to be able to handle it. I have been finding myself questions whether or not I can handle an activity or outing on my own with Bubba’s new “issues”.  Just like a new Mom I found that I wouldn’t know until I gave it a try. So, I decided to start small. Hubs had to work on Saturday and I had heard about a local park that got all new equipment to make it accessible to those with disabilities. Before I knew what I was saying the words “come on Regan let’s go check out this park!!!” She was excited and then asked if she could bring a friend. “Sure, why not!” Oh, my goodness … did I really just say that. Man, before I knew it the old me was coming out more and more. On the way to the park I was prepping the girls for the worst “I don’t know how long Bubba will last and when he is done we have to leave.”

Bubba LOVED the park!!

So, did the girls! :)

Bubba made a sweet new friend that had a walker.

He kept trying to get to her walk and before I knew it

 I was headed to the van to get his out.

I was amazed at how much strength he had and how happy he was!

Before I knew it, it was well after lunch time!

On the way to the park I was warning the girls that we would most likely not be there long BUT we ended up having so much fun with our new friends that we lost track of time :). Later that night I was telling Hubs about our fun day and how grateful I was to meet our special new friends. I told him how scared I was to go by myself BUT that I will not be afraid anymore! Look, Bubba will have good days and bad days BUT there is no reason to be afraid of going on these fun outings by myself. You know why... I CAN do hard things... I have done them in the past and I will do them in the future. :)